Need A Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "I can't seem to get her started. Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, in the swing."

Secret Spot

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,

"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

Pulled Over

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Life Of Riley

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

Things Not To Say When You're Pulled Over

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" the friend asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry:"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

Years ago, before everything was electronic, I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I called the office janitor.

"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it"?

He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.

As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door.

"Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."