Two Little Old Ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take off my clothes and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....



2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"


4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"


5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.




6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor... She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."




7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"


8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.."


9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."


10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."


11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."


12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."




13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes , the two return, out of breath and laughing.. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.' ----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise, they were all going to fall.

They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general and she was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

A Smart Woman

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished. But, amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any"?

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

An elderly man lay in a hospital, with his wife of 55 years, sitting at his bedside.

"Is that you, Ethel, at my side again"? he whispered.

"Yes, dear," she answered.

He softly said to her, "Remember years ago when I was in the Veteran's hospital? You were with me then. You were with me when we lost everything in that fire and Ethel, when we were poor, you stuck with me then too."

The man sighed and said, "I tell you, Ethel, you are bad luck!"

Fri, June 25, 2010 10:37:21 AM

Smart Ass--- FOR OLD GUYS!!!!!!!

...

From:	paul hustler ... View Contact
To:	paul hustler

---

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As of yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling jerks." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... only two left."

The judge glared at the accused. ‘So you admit breaking into the dress shop?’

‘Yes, your honour.’

‘And why was that?’

‘Because my wife wanted a dress.’

The judge consulted his notes. ‘But it states here that you broke into the same shop four nights in a row.’

‘Yes, sir. She made me exchange it three times.’

It's okay if you mess up. You should give yourself a break.
~ Billy Joel

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
~ Agnes Repplier

A problem not worth praying about isn't worth worrying about.
~ Glen Wheeler

The Blonde Guy

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

Look to your health and if you have it, praise God and value it next to conscience, for health is the second blessing that we mortals are capable of. A blessing money can't buy.
~ Izaak Walton

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
~ Unknown

When we accept tough jobs as a challenge to our ability and wade into them with joy and enthusiasm, miracles can happen.
~ Arland Gilbert

Accidental Spill

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

What Have We Learned in 1,955 Years?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."- Cicero, 55 BC

Evidently nothing.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They
were very
excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell
something, then
give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little
Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made
$30,"
she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal
to the
customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach
for my
obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she
said, "I made
$45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would
keep them
up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the
teacher.. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom
and dumped
a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467,"
he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the
world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little
Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How
could you possibly
sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little
Johnny,
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who
walked by a free
sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this
tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog
poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the
governmental approach of giving you something poopy
for free, and then making you pay to get the poopy
taste out of your
mouth."

A boy becomes an adult three years before his parents think he does and about two years after he thinks he does.
~Lewis B. Hershey

The truest greatness lies in being kind, the truest wisdom in a happy mind.
~Unknown

I don't like work, but I like what is in work. The chance to find yourself. Your own reality. For yourself, not for others. Which no other man can ever know.
~Joseph Conrad

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" "Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven."

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture"? replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38s!"

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so they were quite upset when one day the little dog died.

Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.

The little dog said "I have been a good dog, so I am going into heaven where I belong!"

Saint Peter replied "You can not come into heaven without a tail. Where is your tail"?

The little dog explained what had happened back on Earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to Earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night back at the pub, but Saint Peter would not change his mind.

So the little dog went back down to Earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you"? said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back.

The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to...retail spirits after hours!"

A Perfect Marriage?

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from"?

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

r thought!!!

Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, And walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental And medical treatment , wheel chairs etc. And they'd receive money instead of Paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be Helped instantly ,if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be Ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals And snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room,spiritual counseling, pool, and education. Simple clothing , shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard ,with gardens. Each senior could have a P.C. A T.V. Radio, and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors , to hear complaints, and the guards Would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to. The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room , and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope Of ever getting out. Justice for all.

For those of you who have n ev er traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to pr ev ent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that.. before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing"?

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted a little "crazy," he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was crazy and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing"?

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker followed me, the boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going"?

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark!"

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home...and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

Endangered Breakfast

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished.

Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that very moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

In court, he plead innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

High Temperature

A frantic mother told the pediatrician's office, "My baby has a high temperature!"

"How high is it?"

"102."

"How are you taking it?"

"Oh, I'm holding up pretty well!"


"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars."
~Og Mandino

"If man does find the solution for world peace, it will be the most revolutionary reversal of his record we have ever known."
~George C. Marshall

"Self-respect is the root of discipline. The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself."
~Abraham Joshua Heschel

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools, WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right. "
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. Crow is easier to eat while it's still warm.
6. The best advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If someone says that you're too good for him or her, believe it.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month?"
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
10. Be really nice to your friends and family. Some day, you may need them to empty your bedpan.

Three cowboys were waiting for their friend to show up at the corral with his new car. "I know that smart aleck," said the first. "He's gonna start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Naw," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both."

Just then, the door swung open. "Audi, partners!"

Why Parents Drink A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy Report card That's in my desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!!!

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:

Each morning your bank would deposit $ 86,400.00 in your private account for your use.

However, this prize had rules, just as any game has certain rules.

The first set of rules would be:

1. Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you.
2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
3. You may only spend it.

Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $ 86,400.00 for that day.

The second set of rules:

1. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, “It’s over, the game is over!”
2. It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

What would you personally do?

You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right?

Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right?

Even for people you don’t know, because you couldn’t possibly spend it all on yourself, right?

You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?

ACTUALLY, THIS GAME IS REALITY!!

Each of us is in possession of such a “magical” bank.

We just can’t seem to see it.

THE MAGICAL BANK IS TIME!

Each awakening morning we receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life,

and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us.

What we haven’t lived up that day is forever lost.

Yesterday is forever gone.

Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time…….

WITHOUT WARNING.

WELL, what will you do with your 86,400 seconds?

Aren’t they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars?

Think about that, and always think of this:

Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.

So take care of yourself, and enjoy life!

Here’s wishing you a wonderfully beautiful day!!!

"An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out?"
~Rene Descartes

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
~Unknown

"Waste your money and you're only out of money, but waste your time and you've lost part of your life."
~Michael Leboeuf

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair; and

- Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition!

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion!

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement!!??

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone!

Lessons of Marriage

At the banquet of their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!


Which is Better?

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this or like this?'"

>
Subject: Road Rage


The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light
by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her
to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front
of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus
Do'bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me
to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk, so naturally... .I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless.