Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.

"So Ron. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them toJerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know howSanta Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough right now.....for all of us...so we need something to make the day a happy place. They haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.

A blind man walks into a store with his Seeing Eye dog.

All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Riddle of the Day Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Bush is one. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women.. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi's. What is it? Answer below! *************************** The answer is: 'A Last Name.' You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

Yearly Physical

When I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said that eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems.

He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors of greens, yellows, reds, etc."

So, I went right home and emptied an entire bag of M&Ms onto a plate, ate them and sure enough, I felt better!

Church for Free

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me."

"But that dollar was for Sunday School."

"I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.

Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of Ds, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class. "Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.

"Another school?!" exclaimed the mother. "Have you seen her grades?"

Subject: A little Irishman Story

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde?.

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; 'WOW! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

Mowing the Lawn

Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect myself, including safety glasses, dust mask and a cowboy hat to keep the sun off.

One day, as I walked into our shop at lunchtime, a co-worker called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!"

HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey, old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector - not wanting to get a toe blown off - started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's butt?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

---

A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING

The Pope came to Glasgow and asked that anyone with "special needs" who wanted to be prayed over come forward to the altar.

With that, wee Jimmy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Wee Jimmy replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pope put one finger of one hand in Jimmy's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Jimmy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "James, how is your hearing now?"

Wee Jimmy answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week...."

The Engineers

An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft software engineer are driving together. Suddenly, the car just stops by the side of the road.

The electrical engineer says, "It's probably the car's internal electronics. We should check all the wiring and maybe we can trace where a fault might have occurred."

The chemical engineer says, "Maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and it's getting blocked somewhere."

The Microsoft software engineer says, "If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!"

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school together many years ago.One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Have you had a nice life?”

“I have lived a well-planned life,” her old friend responded. “My first marriage was to a millionaire. My second marriage was to an actor. My third husband was a preacher, and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”

“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”

What a Load!

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Harry was never shy about reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"That and he batted .007," his wife added.

Late Rent

Franklin had lived in his loft for six months and by now, it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat. He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.

As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months rent Franklin owed on the loft.

"Give me a couple of weeks," Franklin pleaded. "I know I'm on the verge of making some sales."

"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."

"Look," Franklin said, "think of it as an investment. Someday this loft will be famous and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, Franklin used to paint here.'"

"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say it tomorrow morning!"

Blondes

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND
DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling
nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Kids Aren't Cheap

I wanted to take my kids to the movies, but did not want to wait in line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.

I asked, "How much is a ticket?"

They said, "Eleven dollars."

I asked, "How much for children?"

They said, "Same price. Eleven dollars."

I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."

They said, "Okay, put your kids on a plane to somewhere and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way anyway."

FORT KNOX SECURITY Don't Have A Router? Your Internet Connection Is NOT Secure! (Check Out The Details Below) No Hackers Are Getttin' Through This Baby! Professional Router - Lowest Price Ever - Just $26.97!! Maximize Your Internet Security With This Wireless Router! Do you connect your internet cable directly into your computer? Without out a router? If so... then someone is desperate to break into your computer - right now. And, if they're successful they can do anything. What a router does: a router will insure safety by acting as a "Guard" against all of the bad stuff that is trying to hack into your machine. You plug your internet cable into a router, and that insures safety form the World Wide Web. It basically makes your computer invisible to the outside world! Scary Fact: You can search YouTube on "how to hack wireless routers" and you get 100s of results. Your neighbor's kids are probably spying on you as we speak! You need to block these people! For piece of mind you need something that can guarantee you your privacy. You need a barricade... Barricade: "A structure set up across a route of access to obstruct the passage of an enemy." *** They don't call it the "Barricade" Wireless Router for nothing... The Barricade Wireless Router is the safest and most secure router you can buy today! *** Here's Why... It's fast. Multiple users can share high-speed connections with rates up to 54 Mbps! Instead of one; you can share an internet connection by directly connecting up to four computers with this router. And, get this,you can have unlimited wireless connections to this router! But that's just the tip of the iceberg... A+ CONVENIENCE: It's Like an Internet Splitter. You can take your one existing internet connection and share it, using your existing cable or dsl... this way you can connect up to four computers directly into the router ports or you can connect unlimited machines wirelessly. INSANE SECURITY: Think Alcatraz. The Barricade Wireless Router has something called a NAT firewall and it's (hands-down) the best kind of firewall security you can have, it will make your computer look invisible on the internet! For wireless computers, the Barricade has the best wireless encryption money can buy. It's called a WPA2, and it protects your information while it travels in-between the router and your computer/internet. SMART SLEEK DESIGN: It's nice.The Barricade Wireless Router has a striking, horizontal enclosure that is both handsome and space efficient. The built-in external antenna provides a wireless range of up to 1,200 feet and easily covers an apartment or small office. Eight LEDs for Security, Wireless, Wired, Router, Modem, and Internet let you know the status of your network at a glance, making it easy to troubleshoot any problems. ------------------------------------- REAL TESTIMONIALS ------------------------------------- I have had this router for approx 3 months and it works great. It was very easy to set up and configure. I like it's small size. I have had no problems with it. I have a DSL internet connection and am using it with 2 computers and a Wii. The security settings which I would recommend using, are easy to set up. I have a small house so I don't know how the wireless range would be in a large area. For 30 dollars it's a nice dependable router. - David T. (New York) I was really impressed with this router and was my first experience with Barricade. It has all the abilities of the higher end business routers with features for home, business, retail, hotspots, etc... well built and even has a signal detector to help position the unit. Finally it allows for multiple kinds of Cellular broadband devices as well. Great Router! - Greg C (Wisconsin) Great little router, I run it in a mixed wired/wireless N environment and use it to share the Internet between two desktops, a laptop, a netbook, two Nintendo DS, one Nintendo DSI, Xbox 360 and a Wii. I bought it to replace the old router which I had for years. Not much else to say, the set up was easy, and I haven't had to do anything else since the initial setup - it just works. Forgot to mention - didn't have to install any software, just logged into the web server menu and it was ready to go. Like I said, its a no brainer. - Phill W. (Ohio) I haven't had the best luck with wireless routers. I thought I was cursed... or at least that wireless routers were cursed. Got this little unit about a week ago, was super easy to set up and best of all, it really works! Really, what more can I say, it's small, it's easy, and it shipped fast. Love it! - Sonia C. (California) The Barricade 4-Port Wireless Router Provides You Piece Of Mind! You've got a full 60 days to "test" it out. If its not absolutely everything we claim it to be...send it back and we'll give you a prompt, no-hassle, no-questions asked 100% refund. It only costs $26.97 and that includes the shipping and handling fees. You don't have to pay for shipping! Here's How To Order: Simply, click on the link below to be redirected to our safe and secure checkout page! http://store.worldstart.com/product/6251 ** Important UPDATE: Due to the overwhelming response to this offer, we might sell out earlier than expected. Don’t delay! To get your Barricade 4-Port Wireless Router by clicking on the Button Above NOW. Remember, you have a full 60 day, money back guarantee with no questions asked! ** P.S. We pay for shipping and handling costs! There's no fine print. For $26.97, it's yours. P.P.S. The price will go up to $38.97 at 11:59PM, CST tonight (8-12-2010). Reading Shakespeare The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks of books, looking confused, she asked how she could help. "I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said. "Which one?" she asked. He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at sunday services will give casino chips, rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

...this is done by the chip monks.

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: 'Let me see if I've got this right.

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.' You're going to love the Dad's reply: 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

ew Best Friend

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede that came in a little white box, which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"

And a little voice came out of the box and said, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. 'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.' 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.' 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.' An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.' Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?' She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.' The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?' She says, 'That he did, Father.' The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?' She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....' AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . . A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

Museum Tour

"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" a tourist asked the museum guard.

"They are three million, four years and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number. How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here and that was four and a half years ago."

SEX AT 75!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 75!

I'm so happy, because I live at unit 71..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!