A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Two easter bunnies were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house, again went to the mail box and, again, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! (Are you ready? This is a beauty...) My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!' "

> An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
>
> The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
>
> The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
>
> "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
>
> "Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
>
> The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
>
> "No problem," replies the doctor.
>
> So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
>
> Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.
>
> Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !
>
> He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
>
> "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
>
> He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.
>
> Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
>
> Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
>
> Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.
>
> Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
>
> Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
>
> The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
>
> He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"
>
> The old man whispers,
> "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirro

Billy Bob walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, hm?”

Billy Bob says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!” The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Billy Bob comes back into the bar and says Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!”

Billy Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me too?

A woman who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.
Doctor: What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.



"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

'Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe...Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied,
'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal...


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a
sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him ..

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have
an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for
$500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Monday at Noon.
The coffin will be closed

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:



MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyOttawa.



When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

9. Flashlight: A metal tube that is used to store dead batteries.

10. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

12. When you go into Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand
along Highway 17 near Kenora Ontario early one cold December morning.
Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs,
the buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge.
The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.
Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a life time, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession
passing slowly down Highway 17.
The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head
and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do.
You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession.
You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years"

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices
with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As
he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a
large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the
very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!

Timmy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after bidding way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Patient: ‘Doctor, I have started going deaf.’
Doctor: ‘No wonder, you have a suppository in your ear.’
Patient: ‘Thank God! Now I remember where I put my hearing aid.’

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down.
Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears.
“My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”
“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.
“Then what’s the matter?
“I’m trying to give up drinking.”

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and he still hadn't been paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,, Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot...