A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store"?
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie"?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please. Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?"
The sweet old face paled as she responded, "Well, I guess so. Will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"

An influential Londoner wound up on a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon, he was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated by an interpreter, sentence by sentence.
"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be asked here today."
A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you today."

Monday: Now home from our honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I only had four bowls, so I had to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the cake turned out fine!
Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said "serve without dressing". Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that salad!
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies"?
"Really"?! he said. "Have you tried mouthwash"?

During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note that said, "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it"? the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high- class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators.
They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high- class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators.
They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

At the dinner table with a large number of guests, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I don't know what to say."
"Just say what you hear Mommy say."
The little girl bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.
I knew I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir"?
Not thinking clearly, I answered, "With or without clothes"?
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel"?

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No, I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."

"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies?"
"Oh, it was my wife's idea."
"Your wife?"
"Yeah," answers Ted. "She thought I should spend more time with the kids."

Joe went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I'm sure that there's somebody under it. I haven't slept in a week. I'm going crazy."
"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
Six months later, the doctor met Joe on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?"
"A bartender cured me for $10. He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, "How does this boat float"?
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater"?
Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue"?
Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind me asking you all of these questions"?
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

One day, a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.'
Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want"?
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"