Scott and Glenn went on a fishing trip. They rented all the equipment: reels, rods, wading suits, rowboat, car, even a cabin in the woods. They spent a fortune.

The first day they went fishing and didn't catch anything. The same thing happened on the second day and the third. It went on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Scott caught a fish. Driving home they were really depressed.

Scott turned to Glenn and said, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

Glenn replied, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Three Rings

What are the three rings in marriage?

Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring
Suffering

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil"?

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye"?

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry, because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly"?

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."

The holiday bowl games were in full swing and we had invited some other football fans over.

One couple brought their active two-year-old son, who began playing with a dish that was filled with antique buttons. After a few near disasters, my husband quietly removed the temptation.

The next morning, I realized the bowl was gone and went upstairs. "Don, where is the button bowl"? I asked my just-awakening husband.

"Gee, I don't know for sure," replied my spouse, who prides himself on knowing the answer to any sports trivia question.

"I think it's in Florida."

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts they recently heard about in the newspaper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to retire six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear your mother will be out of work."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish."

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Bob was playing soccer with his local team.

He got a breakaway and headed towards the goal. He missed an easy shot to tie the game, which meant the other team won.

“I could kick myself.” he groaned, as the players came off the field.

“Don’t bother,” said the captain, “you’d miss.”

Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters four feet tall: YELD.

Close, but not close enough. The next week, I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now, it read: YEILD.

About two months later, they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. For years, I've been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where I work."

"How much did you take?"

"Enough to build my own house and my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious. I'll have to think of a far-reaching penance for you. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't. But if you have the blueprints, I can get the lumber."

Another Night on the Town

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally, she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.

"Speak!" she said to the dog.

The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"

"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"