A very excited woman calls the fire department. "Help me! My house is on fire!"

"Where do you live?"

"I am too excited. I can't tell you the exact address!"

"How do you expect us to get there?"

"Well, duh. In your big red truck!"

I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice.

"I know the sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?"

"Put an ad in the personals column," he suggested.

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with the man at the insurance agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

I was in New York's Grand Central Terminal on my way to visit friends in Connecticut. I had never taken the trip before and was wondering if I needed to switch trains in Stamford.

Walking to the train, I saw the conductor and asked, "Do I need to change?"
"No," he replied immediately. "You're fine the way you are. Your bag matches your shoes and your earrings are the same color as your outfit. Very coordinated!"

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "we were havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin, Ray, picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, do ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game!'"

I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice.

"I know the sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs"?

"Put an ad in the personals column," he suggested.

One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.

"Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections"? another friend suggested.

"I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with the man at the insurance agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating properly.

"Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom told her.

"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would be eating anything like that!"

"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.

Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.

A blonde who had recently learned to drive was heading through town and suddenly stopped dead and wouldn’t move.

After several minutes, a nearby police officer having observed this strange activity turned his lights on and pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and calmly walked up to tap her window and waited for her to roll it down.

The woman seemed very distressed and the officer asked what was wrong.

She told him she didn’t know what to do. She was going to be late, but she had studied very hard for her driver’s test the previous week and knew she had to obey all road signs, so she couldn’t go.

The officer stood up and looked over her car. Seeing no stop or construction signs, he felt slightly confused and told her he saw no sign stopping her from continuing. She became more upset and pointed out the right side of her car, telling the cop it was right there.

He looked again and almost laughed as he finally read, "Do Not Pass."