A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing beat, says, "Well, that's great. That's really great. Someone's got my pen."

A 75-year-old woman had a baby and when she returned from the hospital, her friends visited her to see the new baby.

She invited them in and told them they could see the baby after having a cup of tea. After tea, they asked again, but she fobbed them off by telling them she wanted to talk some more.

Eventually, they got impatient and insisted they see the child, but she told them they would have to wait until the baby cried.

"Why"? they asked.

"Because I've forgotten where I left it!"

Andrew and Morgan are playing on the swings together.

"I'm really worried," Andrew says, "My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

"What have you got to worry about?" Morgan replies, "Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

"Yeah, I guess," responds Andrew, "But what if they try to escape?"

My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left!"

I was out walking with my (then) 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked
her not to do that.

"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
"Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

"Can people predict the future with cards?" Jessica asked Danny.

"My mother can," Danny replied.

"Really?"

"Yes," Danny told her, "she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home."

The Sociology professor was explaining how society's ideals of beauty change with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five foot, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

One student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" asked the professor.

"For one thing, she'd be way too old!"

A four-year-old was showing a little friend the family photos that covered one wall in their basement.

Out of sight, but not out of earshot, her mother overheard her say, "Here's a picture of my mommy when she was a little girl. I wasn't there, but people say she used to be nice."

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoes, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for"?

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."