A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

Two men flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They mamaged to bag six.

When they met at the plane to return, the pilot said he could only take four moose.

The two men objected strongly. “Last year we shot six.” They said. “The pilot let us take them all, he had the same type plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot said okay and loaded six. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross the mountains, the plane went down. Somehow all three men survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage , one friend asked the other “Where are we?”

His friend replied, “I think we are pretty close to where we crashed last year."

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little, old man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so, he still looked wet, freezing and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf, he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?”

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?”

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."

"And who is Sherry, your wife?” asked the baker.

"What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother would send me out on a night like this?”

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day.

So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING"

Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY"

No good. So the farmer calls again...and again, every day for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the telephone calls stop and the sheriff becomes very curious.

So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words "SLOW: NUDIST COLONY"

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are four -- one in the front seat and two in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn’t speeding! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These passengers seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story sky scraper.

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break themonotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for 25 flights,and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. "

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.

At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

""Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the local newscast.

He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.

One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here."

Andrew, 3, was admiring all the spring plants and trees.

He spotted a big, yellow flowering bush and asked what it was.

His mother said, "Forsythia."

Andrew practiced saying it over and over.

Then they came to a larger clustering of forsythia.

"What's that?" his mother asked.

With great pride and glee, Andrew said, "It's five-sythia!"

Paycheck To Paycheck

An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his paycheck.

Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.

Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!

Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!