A fire started on a patch of prairie grasses near a farm. The county fire department was called, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested that the nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit could really help, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck that rumbled straight into the middle of the flames. The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

The farmer was so impressed and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000 on the spot. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

A young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally, two men walked up to her.

"I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After awhile, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a gas station.

"We just passed a station! How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"Oh, I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."

Jane was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Jane was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Jane decided to go into the store and told the manager that she would sue the store if they didn't do something about that rude bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When Jane walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

And the bird replied, "You know."

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

Expert Advice

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things."

"First, why did you revolt?" "Second, how did you get out of your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."

"I see. And just what did you use to break the cell bars?," the warden asked.

Replied the spokesman for the prisoners, "The meat loaf."

Two kids were hiking when they came upon a huge bear. One boy sat down, took a pair of track shoes out his knapsack and started to put them on.

“You’are wasting your time.” – said the other boy. “You can’t outrun that bear even with your track shoes on.”

The other boy replied, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you.”

Ron and Kim were doing some shopping. Having purchased everything they needed, they returned to the parking lot to drive home.

"Where's the car? Good golly, someone has stolen it!"

They notified the police from a phone booth inside the mall and made a report at the Police station. A young detective drove them back to see if any evidence remained from the scene of the crime. But, what do you know, there is the stolen car, back in the exact spot! A note is on the windshield with two tickets to a concert attached. The note thanks the young couple for the use of their car, but the culprit's wife was about to give birth and had to be rushed to the hospital.

The young couple's faith in humanity is restored and they go to the concert and have a wonderful time. They arrive home late that night to find their entire house robbed, with a note on the door reading, "Well, I gotta put the kid through college, don't I?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.

The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"