I've asked a standad interview question dozens of times over the years, but one guy gave the best answer ever.

Me: Where do you see yourself in five years?"

His answer: "In the mirror, as always."

There was this guy in his car who had ten peguins in the back seat, and a cop came up to him and said "It's illegal to have those penguins, you need to take them to the zoo."

The next day the cop saw the man again with the same penguins in the back seat except they had sunglasses and towels.

The cop said "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

The guy said "I did, today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Ray was trying to cross the street.

As he stepped off the curb a car came screaming around the corner and headed straight for him.

Ray walked faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changed lanes and kept coming at him.

So Ray turned around to go back, but the car changed lanes again and continued coming at him.

By then, the car was so close and Ray was so scared that he just froze in the middle of the road.

The car got real close, then swerved at the last possible moment and stopped next to Ray.

The driver rolled down the window. It was a squirrel.

It said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

I worked at a school where the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called to say her daughter wouldn’t be coming to school that day.

“Is she in Paine or Hacking?” I asked.

“She feels fine.” The confused mother said. “Her grandmother is visiting and I’m just keeping her home.”

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

John angrily looked at the text he had just received from his Mom.

It read: “Professor called to say you failed the course. LOL. Mom. ”

How could he have failed?! … And all his Mom has to say is that she’s Laughing Out Loud?!

Fed up, he texted his Mom: “What was up with the LOL?” his text said.

“I just wanted to send you Lot’s Of Love because I know how disappointed you must be.”…

Recently divorced, I moved back to my home town hoping to start over again.

A few weeks later, while making a dentist appointment, I was surprised to see I recognized the dentist’s name as a good looking boy from my high school 20 years ago.

However, upon walking into the dentist’s office, I quickly realized he must be someone else. He was bald, had a big beer belly, and looked a lot older than me.

Just to be sure though, on my way out I asked him if he went to the high school that I had attended.

“Yeah”, he responded, “I graduated in 91.” “Oh my gosh”, I excitedly said “you were in my class.”

“Really”, he said that’s interesting, “what class did you teach?”

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.

Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts.

At twenty-three years old, Rita decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to unplug the horse.

I'd Like To Make A Withdrawl

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch, grabbed a deposit slip and wrote, “This is a stickup, put all of your money in the bag.”

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police before he even reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. Thinking quickly, she told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

I went to the Motor Vehicle Bureau to renew my driver’s license.

It was crowded and they were shorthanded. The man ahead of me filled out a form requiring his physical information.

He then brought his new license to an agent, a man who was busy helping other applicants.

The man told the agent that they had gotten his weight wrong, that he was actually ten pounds heavier than what was stated on his driver’s license.

The agent looked up, annoyed, and told the man, "Get out and walk more."

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

He wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

One day, a gorilla escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing it.

At last, the gorilla was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library where they found it sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The gorilla was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible and the other was Darwin's "Origin of Species".

The zookeepers asked the gorilla what he was doing.

The gorilla replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Six retired friends were playing poker when one of them loses $1500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

One of the guys says, “We’ve got to go tell his wife, who’s going to do it?”

They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.

"Leave it to me," Bob says.

He goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door.

When the dead man’s wife answers, Bob says: 'Your husband just lost $1500 and is afraid to come home.'

'$1500? Tell him to drop dead!' snarls the wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Bob

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"