Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are. This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds... to continue shaving And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand. In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked My Cell Phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs! Splashed, And burned my privates, Ruined the damn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call. Damn women drivers!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
The Farmer
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag. It just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer. He would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men"? the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag. It just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer. He would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men"? the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Meeting the Neighbors
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey, Dad, announced Billy. "Have you met the new neighbors"?
"No."
"Come on, Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time. I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they"? I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained. "We haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey, Dad, announced Billy. "Have you met the new neighbors"?
"No."
"Come on, Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time. I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they"? I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained. "We haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"
Bathroom Chat
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you"?
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says, "So what are you up to"?
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point, I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over"?
Okay, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No, I'm a little busy right now!"
Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. The person in the other stall keeps answering all my questions."
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you"?
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says, "So what are you up to"?
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point, I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over"?
Okay, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No, I'm a little busy right now!"
Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. The person in the other stall keeps answering all my questions."
GED TEST The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed. Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q.. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U. . Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant) Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Teachers & Cops:These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers inthe New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded(but, boy, are these funny!)1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.2. I would not allow this student to breed.3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.7. This child has been working with glue too much.8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments weretaken off actual police car videos around the country:1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."13.. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."AND THE WINNER IS.... 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
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