I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.'
~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~

A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings. When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.
At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed, "Come down, Holy Spirit!"
Still no sign of the dove.
The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters, "Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat"?

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.


Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....


DARN! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it"?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at WalMart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job,but your being late so often is quite bothersom

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
''They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'''

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.


By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.


The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.


To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."