At the dinner table with a large number of guests, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I don't know what to say."
"Just say what you hear Mommy say."
The little girl bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.
I knew I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir"?
Not thinking clearly, I answered, "With or without clothes"?
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel"?

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No, I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."

"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies?"
"Oh, it was my wife's idea."
"Your wife?"
"Yeah," answers Ted. "She thought I should spend more time with the kids."

Joe went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I'm sure that there's somebody under it. I haven't slept in a week. I'm going crazy."
"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
Six months later, the doctor met Joe on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?"
"A bartender cured me for $10. He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, "How does this boat float"?
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater"?
Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue"?
Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind me asking you all of these questions"?
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

One day, a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.'
Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want"?
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"