An influential Londoner wound up on a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon, he was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated by an interpreter, sentence by sentence.
"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be asked here today."
A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you today."

Monday: Now home from our honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I only had four bowls, so I had to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the cake turned out fine!
Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said "serve without dressing". Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that salad!
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies"?
"Really"?! he said. "Have you tried mouthwash"?

During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note that said, "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it"? the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high- class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators.
They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high- class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators.
They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.