The grocery store cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One!"

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar and a $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo-of handcuffs.

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

"Then why did you step in it?"

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

Two lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.

When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.

The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue.

The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"

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Three prisoners are captured in the war. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The first asks for and receives Pepperoni Pizza.

The second requests and receives a Filet Mignon.

The third requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply, “strawberries?”

“Yes, Strawberries.”

“But, they are out of season!”

“That’s OK. I’ll wait….”

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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received a letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Clifton:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot condone this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the restrooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. Twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.