An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, Anthony, who is coming to visit with his wife, Maria.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"What? You coming empty handed"?

After spending a wonderful week together, my fiance dropped me off at the airport and returned to his base. I didn't realize how much I'd miss him until I reached the plane and burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked the unlucky woman seated next to me. Between sobs, I told her the sad story of my long distance relationship.
"If you truly love him, it will work," she said. "I know, because my ex-husband was in the Army."

A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. The sign reads:
"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"
A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.
The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'"?

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey, Dad, announced Billy. "Have you met the new neighbors"?
"No."
"Come on, Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time. I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they"? I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained. "We haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a hunting bow when he turned 12.
On his birthday, he unwrapped his gift box, revealing the long, sought for bow. Yet Gordon was still disappointed. "But dad, where are the arrows?"
His cautious father replied, "I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left!"

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."