I've asked a standad interview question dozens of times over the years, but one guy gave the best answer ever.

Me: Where do you see yourself in five years?"

His answer: "In the mirror, as always."

There was this guy in his car who had ten peguins in the back seat, and a cop came up to him and said "It's illegal to have those penguins, you need to take them to the zoo."

The next day the cop saw the man again with the same penguins in the back seat except they had sunglasses and towels.

The cop said "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

The guy said "I did, today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Ray was trying to cross the street.

As he stepped off the curb a car came screaming around the corner and headed straight for him.

Ray walked faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changed lanes and kept coming at him.

So Ray turned around to go back, but the car changed lanes again and continued coming at him.

By then, the car was so close and Ray was so scared that he just froze in the middle of the road.

The car got real close, then swerved at the last possible moment and stopped next to Ray.

The driver rolled down the window. It was a squirrel.

It said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

I worked at a school where the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called to say her daughter wouldn’t be coming to school that day.

“Is she in Paine or Hacking?” I asked.

“She feels fine.” The confused mother said. “Her grandmother is visiting and I’m just keeping her home.”

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

John angrily looked at the text he had just received from his Mom.

It read: “Professor called to say you failed the course. LOL. Mom. ”

How could he have failed?! … And all his Mom has to say is that she’s Laughing Out Loud?!

Fed up, he texted his Mom: “What was up with the LOL?” his text said.

“I just wanted to send you Lot’s Of Love because I know how disappointed you must be.”…

Recently divorced, I moved back to my home town hoping to start over again.

A few weeks later, while making a dentist appointment, I was surprised to see I recognized the dentist’s name as a good looking boy from my high school 20 years ago.

However, upon walking into the dentist’s office, I quickly realized he must be someone else. He was bald, had a big beer belly, and looked a lot older than me.

Just to be sure though, on my way out I asked him if he went to the high school that I had attended.

“Yeah”, he responded, “I graduated in 91.” “Oh my gosh”, I excitedly said “you were in my class.”

“Really”, he said that’s interesting, “what class did you teach?”