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Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
An American and an Irishman met at a farming convention in Kilkenny. The American owned a huge farm back in Texas while the Irishman had no more than a couple of acres outside Wexford.
‘Tell me about your farm,’ said the Irishman.
‘It’s enormous,’ began the America , ‘the biggest farm you ever did see in your life. It stretches half-way across the county. Do you know I can get in my truck first thing in the morning, drive around my land and still not cover it all by sundown.’
‘To be sure,’ said the Irishman, ‘I used to have a truck like that!’
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
Ole, the Norwegian artist, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew...... and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done by him. One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house. Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena , his missus. In a few minutes, he returned.... and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on....... so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."
Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief"
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference..
teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual
analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are
published each year to the amusement of teachers.
Here are last year's
winners.....
1. Her face was a perfect
oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in
his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without
Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom
that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes
around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she
was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty,
genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as
bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a
six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his
marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as
a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently
drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12
stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly
howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on
vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in
the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from
the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel
fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other
like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical
suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never
met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like
his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years,
Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long,
it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as
shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple,
like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a
hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a
duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually
lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose
gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a
fire hydrant.
24. It was an American
tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love.
When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck
backing up.
Comments: If most of these fractured bon mots seem too clever to have
been accidentally conceived by high school essayists, that's because they
weren't. They were entries in a long-running Washington Post contest
launched in 1993 called "The
Syle Invitational. "
Among other literary challenges, readers have been invited to compose intentionally
humorous similes and metaphors, often centered around particular themes. Most
of the examples above were published in 1995 and 1999.
The Loser is always part of the problem.
The Winner always has a program;
The Loser always has an excuse.
The Winner says, “Let me do it for you”;
The Loser says, “That is not my job.”
The Winner sees an answer for every problem;
The Loser sees a problem for every answer.
The Winner says, “It may be difficult but it is possible”;
The Loser says, “It may be possible but it is too difficult.”
When a Winner makes a mistake, he says, “I was wrong”;
When a Loser makes a mistake, he says, “It wasn’t my fault.”
A Winner makes commitments;
A Loser makes promises.
Winners have dreams;
Losers have schemes.
Winners say, “I must do something”;
Losers say, “Something must be done.”
Winners are a part of the team;
Losers are apart from the team.
Winners see the gain;
Losers see the pain.
Winners see possibilities;
Losers see problems.
Winners believe in win-win;
Losers believe for them to win someone has to lose.
Winners see the potential;
Losers see the past.
Winners are like a thermostat;
Losers are like thermometers.
Winners choose what they say;
Losers say what they choose. Winners use hard arguments but soft words; Losers use soft arguments but hard words.
Winners stand firm on values but compromise on petty things;
Losers stand firm on petty things but compromise on values.
Winners follow the philosophy of empathy: “Don’t do to others what you would not
want them to do to you”; Losers follow the philosophy, “Do it to others before they do it to you.”
Winners make it happen;
Losers let it happen.
Winners plan and prepare to win.
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last
night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6.. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headacheT
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health, until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection, however, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time, he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
SCHOOL --1959 vs. 2009
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack..
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both
Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD.. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to
foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock..
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations.. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum.. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
0A
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed..
1959 - Ants die.
2009 -ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents --and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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