Like Father, Like Son

I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia, we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy.

While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo." The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy and the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.

The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"

Check Please!

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Good laugh, even if you’re NOT over 50!

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet.
I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

PS I know some of you are not over 50.
I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

The first blonde guy joke? The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait! An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.' The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bolognaagain! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..' The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' (Oh this is GOOD!!) Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

INDIAN MATING CALL

Two Indians and a Tennessee hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was that Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It's bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....

NAKED MAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN

IRISH INTERVIEW TECHNIQUE

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy replied, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

The manager said, "Simple. On question number 7, the Pole wrote down,'I don't know.'

"You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

ODE TO A CAT

I think that I shall never see

A cat that sheds as much as thee.

Thy fur that sticks is all around

On chairs, on mats, in little mounds.

I sweep the floor, you shed some more;

I wash the rug and you just shrug.

You should give thanks I tolerate that,

Or you would be a crew-cut cat.

---

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, and 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service,
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who trash passed against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."

This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

Things You'll Never Hear a Mother Say

- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back"?

- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

- "Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery."

- "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him everyday."

- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

- "I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve."

- "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints.

This hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100"?

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Bailey, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day.

Two newlyweds were so strapped for cash that they spent their wedding night at the bride’s parents’ house. They didn’t show for breakfast the next morning and still hadn’t put in an appearance by midday at which point the brides mother asked, ‘Has anyone seen Tony or Marion?’

The brides eight year old brother revealed, ‘When I saw Tony at about 10 30 last night he popped his head around the door. He said something about wanting to get stuck in and asked for some Vaseline. Since I didn’t know where it was, I gave him my model airplane glue instead.’

These are REAL 911 Calls from Memphis,Tennessee! Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher : Excuse me? Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher : Was anything else taken? Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one? Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart! Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: & nbsp; No, you idiot! This is her husband! And the winner is............. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. Jackson and Hollywood. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

Three Day Silence

My wife has not spoken to me in three days.

I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter"? I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my goodness! Am I driving?

Treating a Cough

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall"?

The clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The pharmacist yells, "You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Prayer for the Elderly"

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Surprise!

On a whim, a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her after work.

The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at the flowers in his hand and started screaming.

"This is the worst day I have ever had! The kids have been terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog chewed up my best pair of shoes."

"And now you've got the nerve to come home drunk!"

The Phone's For You

Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning, he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.

Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.

Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello"?

The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris"?

"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.

Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated."

It's Soooo Hot!

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 35 C and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 am.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. and of course sour cream, diced onions and a few serving spoons of chile.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

STAY COOL!

Devoted Golfer

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from nine holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand and a golf club in the other. And behind me was a clear cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

A new Fry's Supermarket opened in Gilbert, Arizona. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay. In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brauts. In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are. This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds... to continue shaving And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand. In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked My Cell Phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs! Splashed, And burned my privates, Ruined the damn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call. Damn women drivers!

The Farmer
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag. It just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer. He would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men"? the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Gosh, I'm rich!

Silver in the Hair Gold in the Teeth Stones in the Kidneys Sugar in the Blood. Lead in the Ass Iron in the Arteries And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

Meeting the Neighbors
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey, Dad, announced Billy. "Have you met the new neighbors"?
"No."
"Come on, Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time. I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they"? I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained. "We haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"

Bathroom Chat
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you"?
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says, "So what are you up to"?
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point, I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over"?
Okay, this question is just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No, I'm a little busy right now!"
Then I hear the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. The person in the other stall keeps answering all my questions."