When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast. Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs.

On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificent large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything—then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all and ran off.

When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson. She responded, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."

When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast. Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs.

On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificent large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything—then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all and ran off.

When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson. She responded, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.


Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"A couple minutes ago"

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies. This was his first time approaching a runway at night...

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"

The controller switched the runway lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"

Single, Never Married

As a single, never married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.

In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"

In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"

In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet?"

Now, people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”.

Piñata!

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Southern California."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn cathes his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"

Should children witness childbirth? Good question. Here's your answer. Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby... Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled up in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

LETTER FROM SCOUT CAMP

Dear Mum,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Read any good books lately? Here are some titles you might want to look up:

SOME NEW BOOK RELEASES

How to Write Big Books by Warren Peace

The Lion Attacked by Claude Yarmoff

The Art of Archery by Beau N. Arrow

Songs for Children by Barbara Blacksheep

Irish Heart Surgery by Angie O'Plasty

Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel

School Truancy by Marcus Absent

I Was a Cloakroom Attendant by Mahatma Coate

I Lost My Balance by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

Mystery in the Barnyard by Hu Flung Dung

Positive Reinforcement by Wade Ago

Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts

Shhh! by Danielle Soloud

The Philippine Post Office by Imelda Letter

Things to Do at a Party by Bob Frapples

Stop Arguing by Xavier Breath

Come on In! by Doris Open

The German Bank Robbery by Hans Zupp

I Hate the Sun by Gladys Knight

Prison Security by Barb Dweyer

Irish First Aid by R. U. O'Kaye

I Didn't Do It! by Ivan Alibi

Why I Eat at McDonalds by Tommy Ayk