A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries again.
Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.
Nothing happens.
He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
----------------------------
I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad, funny kind of film. In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film.
After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
Sunday, October 31, 2010
An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep
He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'
The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'
'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
.............
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep
He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'
The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'
'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
.............
Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"
His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."
His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."
Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
----------------------
A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender turns to the grasshopper and says "hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper responds, "Why in the heck do you have a drink named Bob?"
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
----------------------
A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender turns to the grasshopper and says "hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper responds, "Why in the heck do you have a drink named Bob?"
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them."
--------------------------
The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.
--------------------------
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them."
--------------------------
The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.
--------------------------
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Don’t Step on the Ducks
Three men die in an accident and go to heaven. St. Peter says ‘We only have one rule in heaven. Don’t step on the Ducks.’
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man steps on one.
Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on the ducks is to spend eternity chained to this woman.’
The next day the second man steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, accompanied with him another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first man.
The third man has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to such a woman is very careful where he steps. He manages to go for months without stepping on a duck.
One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on, tall and curvaceous, and St. Peter chains them together without a word.
The man remarks, ‘Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?’
She says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’
Three men die in an accident and go to heaven. St. Peter says ‘We only have one rule in heaven. Don’t step on the Ducks.’
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man steps on one.
Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on the ducks is to spend eternity chained to this woman.’
The next day the second man steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, accompanied with him another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first man.
The third man has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to such a woman is very careful where he steps. He manages to go for months without stepping on a duck.
One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on, tall and curvaceous, and St. Peter chains them together without a word.
The man remarks, ‘Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?’
She says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’
While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
John's not a great golfer - in fact, he stinks. But he's always working on his game, trying to improve. One afternoon, after a typically crappy round of golf, John is interrupted by a police officer as he's throwing his clubs in the car. "Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?"
"Why, yes I did officer." John replied.
"Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer.
"Yep, I believe I did." John answered. "How'd you know?"
"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"
John sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, he responded...
"I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."
"Why, yes I did officer." John replied.
"Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer.
"Yep, I believe I did." John answered. "How'd you know?"
"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"
John sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, he responded...
"I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
THE IMPORTANCE OF PROOF READING
* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
* It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
* There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our deep relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
* In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo". We apologize for our mistake.
* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
* Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
* In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's South-western chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
* The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
* It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
* There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our deep relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
* In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo". We apologize for our mistake.
* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
* Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
* In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's South-western chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
* The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Kids can be quick too! Do you doubt it? Laugh your hearts out as you read the following teacher/pupil exchanges.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
A man planning his holiday consulted a travel agency. ‘Last year you suggested the Maldives , and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before you suggested the Bahamas , when I returned my wife was pregnant. And the year before that I went to Bali , and when I arrived back my wife was pregnant. Could you suggest somewhere cheaper this year so I can take her with me?’
Two guys went into a restaurant and sat down. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs, and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and walked over. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" he complained.
The two guys stopped, looked at each other, and swapped sandwiches.
The owner saw what was going on and walked over. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" he complained.
The two guys stopped, looked at each other, and swapped sandwiches.
A man was watching two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
The man said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
The man said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Every weekday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small town received a call from a man asking for the exact time.
One day the operator got up the nerve to ask him why he called so often. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," the man explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle exactly at noon, so I call you to get the correct time."
"That's funny," the operator giggled. "All these years, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
One day the operator got up the nerve to ask him why he called so often. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," the man explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle exactly at noon, so I call you to get the correct time."
"That's funny," the operator giggled. "All these years, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
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