THINGS CATS MUST REMEMBER

(Okay ... things we would like cats to remember)

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

If I play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files."

My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.

Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.