As a single, never married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet?"
Now, people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter — yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.”

The agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”

An old man woke up in the recovery room after an operation and said, ‘Thank God that’s over!’

‘You’re lucky,’ said the chap in the adjacent bed. ‘They left a scalpel inside me and needed to operate again in order to retrieve it.’

‘How terrible,’ said the old man.

The patient in the bed on the other side of the old chap stated, ‘They had to open me up again to find a sponge they had lost.’

Just then the door to the ward opened and the surgeon walked in. ‘Has anybody seen my hat?’

The old man fainted.

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to take a shower. Just a second and I'll see."
Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An indignant yell came from above.
Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury.
"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth said.
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is: rear defrosters."

Darryl tripped on the stairs and broke his leg.
The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.
Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.
"Oh good," he responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"
"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful."
"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six-years-old.
While looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop"?
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right"?
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe"?

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please, doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee!"
"Don't worry," says the doctor. "I'll put some cream on it."
"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor. "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden behind my house."
"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated. "I mean on the part of your body the bee stung you."
"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!"
"Which one?" the doctor asked.
"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful
man is usually another woman.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you
will look forward to the trip.

Two husbands, Jon and Keith, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Keith said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Jon, "How do you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Keith,"My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"

Rotarian John Coenders, passed away on Sept. 9, 2002.

Jocoe's Journal is prepared in his memory.

Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over.
When he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move.
He then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats.
When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.
"Oh, you think that's funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a rage.
He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down.
"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked him.
Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

Two guys are approaching each other on the sidewalk and both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one looks at the other knowingly, points to his right foot and says, "Land mine, Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back, lookout."

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall, attractive blonde woman. During the course of the conversation he says would you like to hear a 'blonde' joke ?
"Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6 feet tall without heels and I've been training in judo for the past 5 years."
Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My flatmate's blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall, has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and has been Southern Counties Ladies' Champion for the past 3 years.
Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde, she weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional womens' wrestler, do you still want to tell the joke about a blonde ?"
"Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain it 3 times".

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: You don't want to try these techniques at home.
"Why not"? asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day, I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once'"?
"Did it save time"? the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in seven."

The Obedient Wife'

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Message flagged Wednesday, April 21, 2010 7:06:12 PMMessage body
Would You Remarry?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looked over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

Ralphie was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

Am I using my computer too much?
I warned my son, "You've got a heap of trouble in your shopping cart and you're one click away from check-out!"
I told my daughter, "Ctrl+X your attitude young lady!"
I challenged a co-worker, "If you don't believe me, just Google it!"
My uncle was having a mid-life crisis and I reminded him, "Be careful—when you reformat, important files can get lost."
"Even though Grandma's gone," I consoled my father, "she'll remain in our registry."
When my wife reminded me to do something for the tenth time I replied, "Net congestion made it take longer to download".

Why the English wore red coats in battle
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day on, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.