An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, Anthony, who is coming to visit with his wife, Maria.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"What? You coming empty handed"?

After spending a wonderful week together, my fiance dropped me off at the airport and returned to his base. I didn't realize how much I'd miss him until I reached the plane and burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked the unlucky woman seated next to me. Between sobs, I told her the sad story of my long distance relationship.
"If you truly love him, it will work," she said. "I know, because my ex-husband was in the Army."

A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. The sign reads:
"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"
A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.
The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'"?

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey, Dad, announced Billy. "Have you met the new neighbors"?
"No."
"Come on, Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time. I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they"? I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained. "We haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a hunting bow when he turned 12.
On his birthday, he unwrapped his gift box, revealing the long, sought for bow. Yet Gordon was still disappointed. "But dad, where are the arrows?"
His cautious father replied, "I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left!"

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150"?
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

When it comes to tunes, my local music shop prefers the sound of silence. A sign prominently displayed on a grand piano reads, "The management is not responsible for the actions of its employees if your child plays 'Heart and Soul' or 'Chopsticks' on this instrument."

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws water for a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters: "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back: "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses."Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says" "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells: "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

A little 8-year-old girl went out to the yard where her dad was working and she asked him: "Dad, what is sex?" So he began to tell her about the birds and the bees and when he got done she was confused, so he said: "What's wrong what made you asked that question?" And she said: "Well, mommy told me to tell you that 'dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.' "

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Little Timmy sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale.
"No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Timmy.
"Why not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate him first!"

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day, I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.
"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!' Will this work for you"?
He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding.
My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.
Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho!"

A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"