A couple were vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp and to calm her concerns, they'd talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There's two types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous"?

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy. See, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a black bear. If it shakes the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a girl at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 o'clock news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The girl looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump"?

Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The girl replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the girl placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The girl was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The girl replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend, Morris, came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife, Sadie, visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness, "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case"?

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case"? the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said. "I thought he was talking to you."

Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do: start out about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on, until you get a response."

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So, the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next, he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?"

He gets no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again, there was no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Harry! For the fifth time, I said chicken!"

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too."
~~~~~~~

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."
~~~~~~~

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now." Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
~~~~~~~

Working as a paediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. "No, no, no!" she screamed. "Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behaviour." With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you!"
~~~~~~~

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."
~~~~~~~

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counsellor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?" Blank stares. "Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton." An eight-year-old girl perked up. "How long was he missing?"
~~~~~~~

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Andrew and Morgan are playing on the swings together.
"I'm really worried," Andrew says, "My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
"What have you got to worry about?" Morgan replies, "Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
"Yeah, I guess," responds Andrew, "But what if they try to escape?"

Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"
"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.
The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."
He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.
The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"

A tiny, but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that supposed to be?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," she said, "why isn't it?"

Baby Brother
Little Johnny's mother asked him what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," he replied.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother"?
"Well," replied little Johnny, "There's only so much I can blame on the dog."

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

A woman went on a tour of the White House.
As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.
"My, what was that"? exclaimed the woman.
"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie, the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah"? said Charlie. "And how did this one end"?
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really"? said Charles. "Now, that's a switch! What did she say"?
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean!
The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house!"

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.
Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper replied with a smile,"I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Kathryn found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.
"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested.
My friend was about to hang up when her mom added, "And Kathryn"?
"Yes, mom"?
"Call them first and let them know you're coming."

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move!"

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move!"

My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume, which she planned to submit to a local fast food restaurant. I agreed.
A few days later, she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview and she told me to bring my references."

Ten Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. Ok, fine, the dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only!
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the middle of the road.
The workers explained the detour route to town and she went on her way.
They were surprised however, to see the same woman coming toward them from town a couple of hours later.
"Oh," she said distractedly as she pulled up next to the trench crew.
"Is it closed in this direction too"?