A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special. $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am."
He grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special.
She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.
They float side by side for awhile before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise"?
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

The Secret to Marriage
"So, what's the secret to your 52 years of marriage?"
"We never go to sleep angry."
"That's a great philosophy."
"Yes, the longest we've gone without sleep is five days. So far."

The Secret to Marriage
"So, what's the secret to your 52 years of marriage?"
"We never go to sleep angry."
"That's a great philosophy."
"Yes, the longest we've gone without sleep is five days. So far."

Marketing Guy: Why haven't you kept me up to date on this account?
Ops Guy: I've copied you on every e-mail I sent to them!
Marketing Guy: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.

Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She'd used an emergency phone to call for help.
Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were"?
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me and they located my position from the card catalogue."

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area.
The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross."

50th Wedding Anniversary
While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the 'good old days.'
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

White House Tour
A woman went on a tour of the White House.
As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.
"My, what was that"? exclaimed the woman.
"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

Slight Misunderstanding
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "we were havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin, Ray, picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, do ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game!'"

Don't Worry About It
A doctor said to his patient, "You have a slight heart condition, but I wouldn't worry about it."
"Really, doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a slight heart condition, I wouldn't worry about it either."

Annie, six years old, gets home from school. She had had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" she answers.

"Karen from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Paula in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother laughs and asks, "But why were you so ashamed?"

"I couldn't tell them we're so poor that daddy had to make me himself!"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to his doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
~~~~~~~

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim said, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
~~~~~~~

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
~~~~~~~

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
~~~~~~~

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure…."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down," she says.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"
~~~~~~~

A senior citizen said to his 80-year-old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse.

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"
~~~~~~~

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

******