A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing beat, says, "Well, that's great. That's really great. Someone's got my pen."

Each day, when I would come home from work, I would drop to my knees and ask my four-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself. We would spar around for a few minutes before supper.

One day, my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, "Yes!"

The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box"?

A new supermarket opened near my house and it has an automatic water mister that keeps the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh hay.

In the meat department, there's an aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

For the record, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and a baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and the father stork is trying to calm him down.

"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it was father's turn to do the job. The mother and son are sitting in the nest and the baby stork is crying again.

The mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate. Their son was gone from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returned and the parents asked him where he'd been all night.

The baby stork says, "Aw, nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of some college students!"

 

A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with his class. One student asked how they chose the new Pope.

The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So, the Cardinals pick him."

A student in the back of the class asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next Pope?"