Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day?
A: I'm stuck on you!

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: I find you very attractive.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

As my wife and I were driving our teenaged daughter to the hospital where she was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy, they discussed how the procedure would be performed.

“Dad” the teenager asked, “how are they going to get me to keep my mouth open the whole time?”

I looked through the rear view mirror and chuckled, “They’re going to give you a phone.”

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen."

He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen.

When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores.

When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors.

When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors.
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."

A man was sitting reading his papers 

when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

‘What was that for?’ the man asked. 

The wife replied, 

‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it 

that I found in your pants pocket. 

The man then said 

‘When I was at the races last week, 

Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ 

The wife apologized and went on with the housework. 

Three days later the man is watching TV 

when his wife bashes him on the head 

with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember..."

Man: Doctor, my leg keeps talkin' to me.

Doc: Don't be ridiculous!

Leg: Lend us five bucks!

Man: Told ya.

Leg: Can you spare a ten?

Doc: I can’t believe this! Leg, can give me a twenty?

Leg: I’m all tapped out.

Doc: I know your problem. Your leg's broke!

Frank wants to get his beautiful wife, Betty, something nice for their wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone.

Betty is excited, she loves her phone. Frank shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday, Betty goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it's her husband, 'Hi ya, Betty,' he says, 'how do you like your new phone?'

Betty replies, 'I just love it, it's so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one feature that I really don't understand though.'

'What's that, Betty?' asks the husband.

'How did you know that I was at Walmart?

Knock knock. Who's there?

Cash.Cash who?

No thanks, I'd prefer a peanut.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Doris.Doris who?

Doris locked, that's why I'm knocking!

The Substitute

Walking through the hallway of the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”

Thinking he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer support.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help”

He lifted his head and replied. “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”