These glorious insults are from an era before the English language changed to 4 letter words........

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

Walter Kerr: "He had delusions of adequacy."

Winston Churchill: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Clarence Darrow: "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway): "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

Moses Hadas: "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Mark Twain: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Oscar Wilde: "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."



George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...
if you have one."

Winston Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

Stephen Bishop: "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

John Bright: "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

Irvin S. Cobb: "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Samuel Johnson: "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

Paul Keating: "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

Charles, Count Talleyrand: "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Forrest Tucker: "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Mark Twain: "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

Mae West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."



Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..."



Andrew Lang (1844-1912): "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."

Billy Wilder: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

Groucho Marx: "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Some Doctor on TV this morning said that the way to acheive inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started ..... so, I looked
around my house to see things I've started and hadn't finished and,
before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a
pockage of Prunglies, the
mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an
a box of chocalets.


Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to
dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

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Dear God,
All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body…
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
Amen.

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

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Near the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked the confident young applicant, ‘What salary are you looking for?’

‘Something in the region of £90,000 per year, depending on the benefits package.’

‘Well, what would you say to a package of six weeks annual holiday plus twelve paid holidays, full medical and dental, and a new company car every year?’

‘Wow, are you kidding?’

‘Certainly, but you started it!’