When it comes to tunes, my local music shop prefers the sound of silence. A sign prominently displayed on a grand piano reads, "The management is not responsible for the actions of its employees if your child plays 'Heart and Soul' or 'Chopsticks' on this instrument."

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws water for a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters: "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back: "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses."Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says" "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells: "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

A little 8-year-old girl went out to the yard where her dad was working and she asked him: "Dad, what is sex?" So he began to tell her about the birds and the bees and when he got done she was confused, so he said: "What's wrong what made you asked that question?" And she said: "Well, mommy told me to tell you that 'dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.' "

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Little Timmy sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale.
"No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Timmy.
"Why not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate him first!"

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day, I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.
"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!' Will this work for you"?
He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding.
My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.
Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho!"

A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"