For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me, ‘Golf, golf, golf. All you think about is bloody golf!’ And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having an old-fashioned "heart to heart" with me and said, "Hun, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.


And then he made the earth round.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said. "He doesn't need one. I always do the driving."

------------------------------------------

Two young boys were taking a short cut through the cemetery on a very foggy night. They were naturally very frightened.

All of a sudden they heard this chipping noise, and as scared as they were, their curiosity got the better of them. They came upon an old man chipping at a tombstone.

When they asked what he was doing, he said, "They spelled my stinkin' name wrong!"

Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near a large bank.

One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some money.

Don refuses.

"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well and I'm not asking for much."

"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot, I had to sign a Non-competition Agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they don't sell hot dogs and I don't lend money."

-----------------------------

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....

First Woman: "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

Second Woman: "I know..."

First Woman: "How?"

Second Woman: "My dog told me."

--------------------------------

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later, the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."

The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?"

Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON
THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE

A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN , 25 GREAT-GREAT- GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Joe and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full length mirror, taking a good hard look at herself. ‘You know, Joe,’ she commented, ‘I stare into this mirror and see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons… and my rear end looks like a sad deflated version of the Hindenburg!’



She turned to face her husband and asked, ‘Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself.’



Joe studied Gladys critically for a moment and then said in a thoughtful voice, ‘Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.’



The doctor says he’ll be able to leave hospital in about a week.

The First Christmas Joke - and it's from
Newfoundland ..........


A man in newfoundland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

----------------------------

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck.

"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.

"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry."

----------------------------------

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"

-----------------------------

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They've heard one another's material so much, they've reached the point where they don't need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other. They just need to refer to each joke by a number.

"Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it's the third comic's turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn't 44 funny?" "Sure, it's usually hilarious," they answer. "But not the way you tell it"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

--------------------------------------

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

--------------------------------------------------

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store.
The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel - they say - because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again.

Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.

Nothing happens.

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

----------------------------

I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad, funny kind of film. In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film.

After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep
He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'

'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
.............

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

----------------------

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender turns to the grasshopper and says "hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds, "Why in the heck do you have a drink named Bob?"

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them."

--------------------------

The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

--------------------------

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Don’t Step on the Ducks



Three men die in an accident and go to heaven. St. Peter says ‘We only have one rule in heaven. Don’t step on the Ducks.’



So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man steps on one.



Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on the ducks is to spend eternity chained to this woman.’



The next day the second man steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, accompanied with him another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first man.



The third man has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to such a woman is very careful where he steps. He manages to go for months without stepping on a duck.



One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on, tall and curvaceous, and St. Peter chains them together without a word.



The man remarks, ‘Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?’

She says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.’

While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

John's not a great golfer - in fact, he stinks. But he's always working on his game, trying to improve. One afternoon, after a typically crappy round of golf, John is interrupted by a police officer as he's throwing his clubs in the car. "Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?"

"Why, yes I did officer." John replied.

"Did you by any chance hook your ball over the trees to the left, out of bounds?" asked the officer.

"Yep, I believe I did." John answered. "How'd you know?"

"Well," said the officer in a very serious tone, "Your golf ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a car's windshield. The driver lost control, causing a 5 car pile-up and a small explosion. Three people went to the hospital with injuries. I'd like to know what you're going to do about it?"

John sat there, seemingly saddened by the devastation caused by his errant tee shot. After much though, he responded...

"I think I'll aim more to the right, close up my stance, tighten my grip and roll my right thumb over a bit."

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

THE IMPORTANCE OF PROOF READING

* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

* It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

* There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our deep relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

* In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo". We apologize for our mistake.

* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

* Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

* In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's South-western chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

* The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Kids can be quick too! Do you doubt it? Laugh your hearts out as you read the following teacher/pupil exchanges.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

A man planning his holiday consulted a travel agency. ‘Last year you suggested the Maldives , and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before you suggested the Bahamas , when I returned my wife was pregnant. And the year before that I went to Bali , and when I arrived back my wife was pregnant. Could you suggest somewhere cheaper this year so I can take her with me?’

Two guys went into a restaurant and sat down. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs, and started to eat them.

The owner saw what was going on and walked over. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" he complained.

The two guys stopped, looked at each other, and swapped sandwiches.

A man was watching two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

The man said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Yeah, it must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

Every weekday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small town received a call from a man asking for the exact time.

One day the operator got up the nerve to ask him why he called so often. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," the man explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle exactly at noon, so I call you to get the correct time."

"That's funny," the operator giggled. "All these years, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."

When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast. Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs.

On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificent large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything—then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all and ran off.

When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson. She responded, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."

When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast. Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs.

On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificent large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything—then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all and ran off.

When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson. She responded, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.


Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"A couple minutes ago"

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies. This was his first time approaching a runway at night...

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"

The controller switched the runway lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"

Single, Never Married

As a single, never married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.

In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"

In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"

In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet?"

Now, people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”.

Piñata!

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Southern California."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn cathes his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"

Should children witness childbirth? Good question. Here's your answer. Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby... Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled up in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

LETTER FROM SCOUT CAMP

Dear Mum,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Read any good books lately? Here are some titles you might want to look up:

SOME NEW BOOK RELEASES

How to Write Big Books by Warren Peace

The Lion Attacked by Claude Yarmoff

The Art of Archery by Beau N. Arrow

Songs for Children by Barbara Blacksheep

Irish Heart Surgery by Angie O'Plasty

Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel

School Truancy by Marcus Absent

I Was a Cloakroom Attendant by Mahatma Coate

I Lost My Balance by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

Mystery in the Barnyard by Hu Flung Dung

Positive Reinforcement by Wade Ago

Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts

Shhh! by Danielle Soloud

The Philippine Post Office by Imelda Letter

Things to Do at a Party by Bob Frapples

Stop Arguing by Xavier Breath

Come on In! by Doris Open

The German Bank Robbery by Hans Zupp

I Hate the Sun by Gladys Knight

Prison Security by Barb Dweyer

Irish First Aid by R. U. O'Kaye

I Didn't Do It! by Ivan Alibi

Why I Eat at McDonalds by Tommy Ayk

Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.

"So Ron. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them toJerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know howSanta Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough right now.....for all of us...so we need something to make the day a happy place. They haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.

A blind man walks into a store with his Seeing Eye dog.

All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Riddle of the Day Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Bush is one. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women.. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi's. What is it? Answer below! *************************** The answer is: 'A Last Name.' You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?

Yearly Physical

When I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said that eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems.

He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors of greens, yellows, reds, etc."

So, I went right home and emptied an entire bag of M&Ms onto a plate, ate them and sure enough, I felt better!

Church for Free

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me."

"But that dollar was for Sunday School."

"I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.

Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of Ds, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class. "Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.

"Another school?!" exclaimed the mother. "Have you seen her grades?"

Subject: A little Irishman Story

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde?.

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; 'WOW! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'