A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

A little
girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I
take the dog for a walk around the
block?'

Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I

take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked

Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to

you.'

Dad said,

'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with

gasoline, And scrubbed the dog's backside with it to

disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now,

but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time

round the block.'

The little

girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the

leash.

Surprised,

Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE

THIS!!!)

The little

girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the

block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

If you

ain't laffin'.... You ain't livin'.

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent t reatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

Sheer Nightgown

A husband walked into Victoria Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opted for the most sheer item, paid the $500, and took it home.

He presented it to his wife and asked her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thought (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea.

It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow,

and keep the $500 refund for myself. She appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose.

The husband said, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon Closed coffin.

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

I hope that you have a wonderful day.

When you're from the country you look at things a little differently.....

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at
the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is you Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know
where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's
about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he
finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500
for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

"No kind action ever stops with itself. One kind action leads to another. Good example is followed. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves." - Amelia Earhart

THINGS WE WOULD NOT KNOW WITHOUT HELP FROM THE MOVIES

1. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade at any time of the year.

3. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

6. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

8. All single women have a cat.

9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

10. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

16. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

17. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

18. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath.

19. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

GOLF EXPLAINED

In my hand I hold a ball,

white and dimpled, rather small.

Oh how bland it does appear,

this harmless-looking little sphere....

By its size I could not guess

the awesome strength it does possess;

But since I fell beneath its spell

I've wandered through the fires of hell.

My life has not been quite the same

since I chose to play this stupid game.

It rules my mind for hours on end;

a fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me swear and yell and cry.

I hate myself and want to die.

It promises a thing called par

if I can hit straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball

should not be very hard at all,

But my desires the ball refuses

and does exactly as it chooses.

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies,

and even disappears before my eyes.

Often it will take a whim

to hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land,

it finds a tiny patch of sand.

Then has me offering up my soul

if only it would find the hole.

It's made me whimper like a pup

and swear that I will give it up,

And take a drink to ease my sorrow ...

But the ball knows I'll be back tomorrow!

EXCITING NEW WEB PAGE

http://lamoot.ca

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if yo u had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough right now...for all of us...so we need something to make the day a happy place. "They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.

"All things are difficult before they are easy."
~Thomas Fuller

"We work to become, not to acquire."
~Elbert Hubbard

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'"
~Don Marquis


A Helping Hand

When the office printer´s type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss´s idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

A Change in Occupations

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. ' Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.' Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.' 'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.' After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.' 'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.' 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine. 'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but complain since you got here.'

---

FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.. The policewoman replied,"It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too. Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading toward 70! ETC. 1. Kidnappers Are not very Interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, You are likely to be Released first. 3. No one expects You to run -- Anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM And ask, 'Did I wake you?' 5. People no longer View you as a Hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left To learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now Won't wear out.. 8. You can eat Supper at 4 PM.. 9. You can live 'without sex But not your glasses. 11. You no longer think Of speed limits As a challenge. 12. You quit trying To hold Your stomach in No matter who walks Into the room. 13.. You sing along With elevator music. 14. Your eyes Won't get Much worse. 15. Your investment In health insurance Is finally beginning To pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists Than the national Weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe With your friends Because they can't Remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells Is finally down to A manageable size. 19.. You can't remember Who sent you this list.. And you notice These are all In big print For your convenience. Forward this To everyone You can remember Right now! ONE MORE THING: Never, Under any circumstances, Take a sleeping pill, And a laxative on The same night!

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for Their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you ' d better say so now!" Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too, and since we ' re being totally honest with each other, you need to know something about me. for about the last five years I've been a hooker." "Oh. . . I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

i

Inner Peace:


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


....Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

The Wizard

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
~Spike Milligan

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
~Marie Corelli

"Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity."
~Snoopy

Where's the Boat?

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything-it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day, the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay. I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"