The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!
Friday, January 28, 2011
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is .......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is .......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky age 10
Monday, January 17, 2011
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the Post Office."
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the Post Office."
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language changed to 4 letter words........
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
Walter Kerr: "He had delusions of adequacy."
Winston Churchill: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Clarence Darrow: "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway): "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
Moses Hadas: "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Mark Twain: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Oscar Wilde: "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...
if you have one."
Winston Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Stephen Bishop: "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
John Bright: "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
Irvin S. Cobb: "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Samuel Johnson: "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Paul Keating: "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Charles, Count Talleyrand: "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Forrest Tucker: "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Mark Twain: "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mae West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912): "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."
Billy Wilder: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Groucho Marx: "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
Walter Kerr: "He had delusions of adequacy."
Winston Churchill: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Clarence Darrow: "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway): "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
Moses Hadas: "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Mark Twain: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Oscar Wilde: "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...
if you have one."
Winston Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Stephen Bishop: "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
John Bright: "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
Irvin S. Cobb: "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Samuel Johnson: "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Paul Keating: "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Charles, Count Talleyrand: "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Forrest Tucker: "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Mark Twain: "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mae West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912): "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."
Billy Wilder: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Groucho Marx: "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Some Doctor on TV this morning said that the way to acheive inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started ..... so, I looked
around my house to see things I've started and hadn't finished and,
before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a
pockage of Prunglies, the
mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an
a box of chocalets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to
dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.
peace is to finish all the things you have started ..... so, I looked
around my house to see things I've started and hadn't finished and,
before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a
pockage of Prunglies, the
mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an
a box of chocalets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to
dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
--------------------------------------
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
--------------------------------------
Near the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked the confident young applicant, ‘What salary are you looking for?’
‘Something in the region of £90,000 per year, depending on the benefits package.’
‘Well, what would you say to a package of six weeks annual holiday plus twelve paid holidays, full medical and dental, and a new company car every year?’
‘Wow, are you kidding?’
‘Certainly, but you started it!’
‘Something in the region of £90,000 per year, depending on the benefits package.’
‘Well, what would you say to a package of six weeks annual holiday plus twelve paid holidays, full medical and dental, and a new company car every year?’
‘Wow, are you kidding?’
‘Certainly, but you started it!’
A group of elementary school students were on a field trip to the local police station. Several of the children were fascinated by the wanted posters on the wall.
Little Billy raised his hand and asked the police officer giving them the tour, who the people on the wall were.
"Those are pictures of criminals we are looking for," answered the policeman. "We call those wanted posters."
Little Billy looked puzzled. His hand shot back up into the air. "Well," he wondered, "why didn't you just keep them when you took their picture?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and rushed right over.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget it for now. It's dinnertime. Come eat with us, and then we'll come back and I will help you turn the wagon back up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted, "you have to eat! We'll get back to the wagon soon."
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish." the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."
Little Billy raised his hand and asked the police officer giving them the tour, who the people on the wall were.
"Those are pictures of criminals we are looking for," answered the policeman. "We call those wanted posters."
Little Billy looked puzzled. His hand shot back up into the air. "Well," he wondered, "why didn't you just keep them when you took their picture?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and rushed right over.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget it for now. It's dinnertime. Come eat with us, and then we'll come back and I will help you turn the wagon back up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted, "you have to eat! We'll get back to the wagon soon."
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish." the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon."
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS."
~~~~~~~
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
~~~~~~~
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
~~~~~~~
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
~~~~~~~
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS."
~~~~~~~
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
~~~~~~~
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
~~~~~~~
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
~~~~~~~
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Did I read that sign right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job, and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
The manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked Murphy.
The manager replied, "Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
The manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked Murphy.
The manager replied, "Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest)...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
NEW WORDS FOR 2011
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, complains about everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
MOUSE POTATO: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
404: Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an e-mail by mistake.)
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, complains about everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
MOUSE POTATO: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
404: Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an e-mail by mistake.)
A COMMONLY ASKED QUESTION
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his home. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all over the front yard. The front door was open and so was the back.
Inside he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the living room the TV was blaring loudly, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen the sink was filled with dirty dishes and food was spilled on the counter and the floor. A broken glass lay under the table and there was a small pile of sand by the back door.
Quickly he headed upstairs looking for his wife. He found her lying in bed.
"Sweetheart," he said "are you sick? Why didn't you call me?"
"I'm not sick" she replied. "I feel fine."
"But what's going on?"
"You know you come home every day and you ask me what in the world did I do today?
"Well, today I didn't do it."
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his home. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all over the front yard. The front door was open and so was the back.
Inside he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the living room the TV was blaring loudly, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen the sink was filled with dirty dishes and food was spilled on the counter and the floor. A broken glass lay under the table and there was a small pile of sand by the back door.
Quickly he headed upstairs looking for his wife. He found her lying in bed.
"Sweetheart," he said "are you sick? Why didn't you call me?"
"I'm not sick" she replied. "I feel fine."
"But what's going on?"
"You know you come home every day and you ask me what in the world did I do today?
"Well, today I didn't do it."
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