A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on thesidwalk, and stops inches from a store window.

For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look buddy, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Two male golfers are getting irritated because the two women playing on the hole in front of them are taking way too long.

One of the men says, “I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to go up there and ask them if we could play through.”

He walks toward the women, but halfway there, he stops, looks and turns around and walks back to his friend. “I can’t go up there,” he says, “That’s my wife and my girlfriend playing together. You go tell them."

The second guy says, “Ok, I’ll go.”

He walks toward the women, but turns around halfway there, walks back to his friend and says, “Um..small world, isn’t it?”

In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was an elderly woman.He approached her and asked, " Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. Do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

A New Leaf

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear"?

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Missing Person

A distraught wife wen to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.

The police asked for a description of the missing man.

His wife described him as 6' 4" tall, dark wavy hair, athletic build, weighs about 180 and very friendly and soft-spoken.

The nieghbor interrupted. "But he's 5' 8", overweight, bald and is very loud and obnoxious.

The wife sighed. "Yes, but who wants HIM back."

A famous antiques collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold." And he hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish.".
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Car Trouble

A young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally, two men walked up to her.

"I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After awhile, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a gas station.

"We just passed a station! How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"Oh, I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."

Small Contribution

A charity realized realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated charityy rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"

Ducking The Question

A duck walks into a store and says "Got any duck food?"

The store manager tells the duck, "Get outta here, we don't serve ducks and we don't have any duck food."

The next day the duck is back again asking "Got any duck food?"

The store manager says, "I told you yesterday we don't have any duck food!!", and kicks the duck out again.

Third day, same thing. "Got any duck food?"

Store manager says "If you come in here asking for duck food again, I'm gonna nail your webbed feet to the floor!!!!"

Sure enough, next day the duck walks in the store and right up to the store manager,

"You got any nails???" The store manager says "NO!!!!"

The duck then says "Good, you got any duck food????"

One Way Trip

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another.

The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."