NEW LIBRARIAN
The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.
The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully,
"At least that other librarian we had could write."
Saturday, March 19, 2011
NEW WINE IN OLD BOTTLES
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr - I Get by With a Little Help from Depends
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores-- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye - Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando-- Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I Want To
Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr - I Get by With a Little Help from Depends
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores-- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye - Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando-- Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I Want To
Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again
Saturday, March 12, 2011
More Points to Ponder
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
You can lead a horse to water, but don't push him in because you know how a wet horse smells.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
The man who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of someone he can blame it on.
If you can keep your head when all about you others are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.
The way to a man's stomach is through his mouth.
May you live forever, and may the last voice you hear be mine.
Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble, as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
An "acceptable level of unemployment" means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
It's terrible how close some motorists will drive ahead of you.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
You can lead a horse to water, but don't push him in because you know how a wet horse smells.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
The man who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of someone he can blame it on.
If you can keep your head when all about you others are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.
The way to a man's stomach is through his mouth.
May you live forever, and may the last voice you hear be mine.
Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble, as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
An "acceptable level of unemployment" means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
It's terrible how close some motorists will drive ahead of you.
A BOX OF CHOCOLATES
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
******
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTERS
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTERS
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
~~~~~~~
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"No," shouts Paddy. "This is her husband!"
~~~~~~~
Paddy is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says, "For gods sake, Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
~~~~~~~
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
~~~~~~~
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat!”
******
Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
~~~~~~~
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"No," shouts Paddy. "This is her husband!"
~~~~~~~
Paddy is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says, "For gods sake, Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
~~~~~~~
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
~~~~~~~
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat!”
******
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he has finished all three, he goes back to the bar and orders three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders. One is in America, and de odder in Australia, and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh.
"Oh no," he says, "Gee, everyone is fine! 'Tis me ... I've quit drinking."
~~~~~~~
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders. One is in America, and de odder in Australia, and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh.
"Oh no," he says, "Gee, everyone is fine! 'Tis me ... I've quit drinking."
~~~~~~~
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