Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."


Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
~~~~~~~


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"


"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.



"No," shouts Paddy. "This is her husband!"
~~~~~~~


Paddy is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.


A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.


Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.


Cop says, "For gods sake, Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

~~~~~~~


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.



His wife says, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"



He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.



"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.


"Here boy!" he replies.

~~~~~~~


An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat!”


******