NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you; do not question, or faint. Just say, "You're welcome." (I want to add in a clause here - this is true, unless she says, "Thanks a lot." - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say, "You're welcome." That will bring on a "whatever".)
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
THE DRUNK
Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as it was possible to get?
A group of guys noticed his condition and decided to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lived, but he kept falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they got to his house, he fell down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife came to the door, and one guy said, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asked, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as it was possible to get?
A group of guys noticed his condition and decided to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lived, but he kept falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they got to his house, he fell down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife came to the door, and one guy said, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asked, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Saturday, April 9, 2011
A man walks into a bar and orders martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar.
When all the drinks had been consumed, and the jar filled with olives, the the gentleman started to leave.
"Excuse me," says the bartender, "Would you mind tellin' me what that's all about?"
"Not at all. Y'see, my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."
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A woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. A gentleman who was listening, was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''
The woman readily agreed, and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him.
The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot dog!! This is what I've been praying for!!''
When all the drinks had been consumed, and the jar filled with olives, the the gentleman started to leave.
"Excuse me," says the bartender, "Would you mind tellin' me what that's all about?"
"Not at all. Y'see, my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."
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A woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. A gentleman who was listening, was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''
The woman readily agreed, and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him.
The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot dog!! This is what I've been praying for!!''
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.
"Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"
The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.
"And where does the money come out?" I asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
"Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"
The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.
"And where does the money come out?" I asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
Shirley & Marcy
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'
'Shirley Goodnest?' Who the heck is she and why is she following us?
'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'
'Shirley Goodnest?' Who the heck is she and why is she following us?
'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
FORTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b*stards should remember that fairies are female....
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b*stards should remember that fairies are female....
A LATE LECTURE
A man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
A man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
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