I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

"Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address??

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
Wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
To the rest of our bodies.? So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,

Educated?and happy.


Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,?
Good grief, look how smart I am!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'




So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little jerk.

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,

checked his weight, and being a little concerned,

asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and

rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional

and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said,

'I'm his Grandma,

but I'm glad I came.

FUNERAL WITH BAGPIPES

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. Being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. The funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. As I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed my pipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening my car door, I heard a worker say with a thick Irish brogue, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage

certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,

troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries

or troubles.'

Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me,

my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your

sense of humor!'

*****************************************************


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit

him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with

the name Jenny on
It that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week

Jenny was the name
Of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife

bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Quick Thinking!

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read...

'MAIN ENTRANCE'

Daily Thoughts

"Newspapers are unable, seemingly to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization."
~George Bernard Shaw

"Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source."
~Ron Nesen

"The degree of one's emotion varies inversely with one's knowledge of the facts -- the less you know the hotter you get."
~Bertrand Russell

Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other,"I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly towards her (as any man would). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......
On one condition'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....

'Clean my house.'

A furniture salesman from Newfoundland decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for awhile, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered supper, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!.

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH. 1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. 4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? 9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job. 10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. 11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right number. 13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning. 14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap. 15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it. 16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. 17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? And rap music will be the Golden Oldies! 18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo. 19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead! Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don't mind. And the one's that mind, don't matter. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Full View

simple home remedies

...

From:	WILLIAM TELFER ... View Contact
To:	Bob Palframan
Cc:	Shirley Bunch ; Tom Telfer

---

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

10. And finally, if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

PSYCHIATRISTS VS BARTENDERS

Ever since I was a child, I've had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears...."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now"

Forget the shrinks ... have a drink and talk to a bartender!

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the bloody height of this flagpole, but we don't have a bloody ladder.' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! ........We need the bloody height and she gives us the bloody length.'

In a Surgery Five surgeons are talking. #1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my operating table because ,when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. " #2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. " #3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. " #4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. " #5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine, -- and the head and the bum are interchangeable. "

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8... Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs....A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29..I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

The Lone Ranger & Tonto The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' 'You dumber than a buffalo. It means someone stole the tent.'

Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

- 'An ambulance just drove by!'

- 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'

- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

- 'Jason is on his skate board!'

- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

Miriam was woken by a strange noise in the middle of the night. She nudged her snoring husband. ‘Max, wake up! There’s a burglar in the house!’

‘All right,’ said Max unconcerned, ‘so there’s a burglar in the house. Go back to sleep.’

‘Max’ persisted Miriam, ‘don’t you understand? Somebody has broken in.’

‘Keep quiet!’ hissed Max. ‘You know very well we have nothing worthy stealing. You want me to go downstairs and admit it to a total stranger? Have you no shame?’

Catholic Horses!!

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing
his shirt, Shamus O'Leary noticed a Priest who stepped out onto the
track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Low and behold, that horse -- a very long shot --- won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Shamus watched
with interest as the old Priest step onto the track again; sure
enough, as the horses of the 5th race came to the starting gate the Priest made a
blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Shamus made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on
the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
Priest had blessed won the race.

Shamus collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the Priest would bless for the 6th race.

The Priest again blessed a horse.

Shamus bet big on it this time, and it won. Shamus was ecstatic.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shot horses, and
each one ended up coming in first and Shamus was making a fortune.

By and by, Shamus was pulling in some incredibly serious money.

By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were coming true.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his life savings, and
awaited the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern; the Priest stepped onto the track for the last
race. He blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the
day.

Shamus observed the Priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of
the old nag. Shamus knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned
on that old horse.

He then watched dumb founded as the old nag come in dead last.

Shamus, in a state of absolute shock and disillusionment made his way
down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old
Priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and
they all won!

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky
mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent I've ever made plus all of my savings
------- all of it!"

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

"Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants; you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."