An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the Post Office."
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the Post Office."
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up..
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up..
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
HOW TO GET A RAISE
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Yes.
I won't beat around the bush. sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this
company for over a decade.
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Before you go, just out of curiosity: what companies are after you?
Oh - the electric company, gas company, water company and the mortgage company!
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Yes.
I won't beat around the bush. sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this
company for over a decade.
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Before you go, just out of curiosity: what companies are after you?
Oh - the electric company, gas company, water company and the mortgage company!
REALISTIC CYNICAL DEFINITIONS
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: An agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest ... except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books which people praise but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
******
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: An agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest ... except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books which people praise but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
******
Friday, February 18, 2011
A little girl made a cup of tea for her mother.
‘I didn’t know you could maker tea,’ said mum taking a sip.
‘Yes. I boiled some water, added the tea leaves like you do, and then strained it into a cup. But I couldn’t find the strainer so I used the fly swatter.’
‘What!’ exclaimed mum, choking on her tea.
‘Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t use the new fly swatter. I used the old one.’
‘I didn’t know you could maker tea,’ said mum taking a sip.
‘Yes. I boiled some water, added the tea leaves like you do, and then strained it into a cup. But I couldn’t find the strainer so I used the fly swatter.’
‘What!’ exclaimed mum, choking on her tea.
‘Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t use the new fly swatter. I used the old one.’
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk,
Just take a glass of sweet tea and start
Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
Swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes
Back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I
Swished with sweet tea. I swished
And swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk,
Just take a glass of sweet tea and start
Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
Swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes
Back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I
Swished with sweet tea. I swished
And swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. Pearl left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
Old Bud fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as Pearl got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, Bud said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
-----------------------------------------------------------
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, "Why after all these years don't we see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, reverend," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Old Bud fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as Pearl got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, Bud said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
-----------------------------------------------------------
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, "Why after all these years don't we see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, reverend," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
British humor
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
A little girl made a cup of tea for her mother.
‘I didn’t know you could maker tea,’ said mum taking a sip.
‘Yes. I boiled some water, added the tea leaves like you do, and then strained it into a cup. But I couldn’t find the strainer so I used the fly swatter.’
‘What!’ exclaimed mum, choking on her tea.
‘Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t use the new fly swatter. I used the old one.’
‘I didn’t know you could maker tea,’ said mum taking a sip.
‘Yes. I boiled some water, added the tea leaves like you do, and then strained it into a cup. But I couldn’t find the strainer so I used the fly swatter.’
‘What!’ exclaimed mum, choking on her tea.
‘Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t use the new fly swatter. I used the old one.’
Truths for Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're just wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really all that necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5 … I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you exactly how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions usually make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't ever want to have to restart my collection ... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my cell phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet that on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.
18. I have a hard time deciphering that fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand much of they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front of merging lanes-- Stay strong, brothers and sisters!! Yes, and I know Texans do that at every on-ramp, but, really there IS a limit, isn’t there? No? … all right, then.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told. “How will I recognize it?” asked the man.
“It’s the one with all the broken windows.” Came the reply.
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're just wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really all that necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5 … I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you exactly how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions usually make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't ever want to have to restart my collection ... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my cell phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet that on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.
18. I have a hard time deciphering that fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand much of they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front of merging lanes-- Stay strong, brothers and sisters!! Yes, and I know Texans do that at every on-ramp, but, really there IS a limit, isn’t there? No? … all right, then.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told. “How will I recognize it?” asked the man.
“It’s the one with all the broken windows.” Came the reply.
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center, and rolled down the car windows to make sure my yellow Lab puppy had enough fresh air.
She was stretched out on the back seat and I needed to impress upon her that she must remain in the car. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Stay ... You stay. Do you hear me?" over and over again.
The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and shouted, "Why don't you just put it in Park?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Joe had to get a job. The farm hadn't worked out so well, so this time he tried a local ranch. The rancher took pity on him and decided to give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing my uncle a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Uncle Joe, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat, "And what do you use for bait?"
She was stretched out on the back seat and I needed to impress upon her that she must remain in the car. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Stay ... You stay. Do you hear me?" over and over again.
The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and shouted, "Why don't you just put it in Park?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Joe had to get a job. The farm hadn't worked out so well, so this time he tried a local ranch. The rancher took pity on him and decided to give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing my uncle a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Uncle Joe, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat, "And what do you use for bait?"
To Be 6 Again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy ,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you darn retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy ,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you darn retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.
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