The grocery store cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One!"

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar and a $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo-of handcuffs.

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

"Then why did you step in it?"

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

Two lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.

When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.

The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue.

The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"

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Three prisoners are captured in the war. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The first asks for and receives Pepperoni Pizza.

The second requests and receives a Filet Mignon.

The third requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply, “strawberries?”

“Yes, Strawberries.”

“But, they are out of season!”

“That’s OK. I’ll wait….”

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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received a letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Clifton:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot condone this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the restrooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. Twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.

I was unhappy with my job, so I submitted my resignation. I was sure I'd have no trouble finding a new position, because there was a shortage of people with my skill.

I e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers, attaching a copy of my resume to each one. Weeks later, I was dismayed and bewildered that I hadn't received even one request for an interview.

Finally I received a response that explained it all: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

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Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing.

One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."

The other man spits something into his hand.

"You've got to keep your worms warm."

When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. “For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”

“I don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”

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I took my mother to the fair. She wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but that's not my speed. So she went on the ride by herself.

In the middle of her ride, the wheel malfunctioned. I watched as Mom was thrown out of the gondola and landed in a heap at my feet.

I said, "Are you hurt?"

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally got his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle with small brown balls in it. After discreetly getting some milk duds from his pocket, he then put the candy in his mouth and began making 'mmm... yum!' type sounds loud enough for the other kids to hear.

The bus bully then snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked 'What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?'

'Well, they're smart pills,' Ken replied.

'Smart pills?' the bully sneered. He opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.

'Pweeuuweppblahhh!' he reacted. 'What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!!'

Ken smiled. 'See, you're getting smarter already!'

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. After a good meal and an excellent bottle of wine, they lay down and went to sleep. A couple of hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his faithful friend.
‘Watson, Watson,’ he said. ‘Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?’
‘I see millions and millions of stars,’ replied Watson.
‘And what does that tell you? Inquired the master detective.
Watson thought for a moment. ‘Well Holmes, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately two twenty five. Theologically, I can see God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I believe we will have a glorious day later today. What does it tell you Holmes?’
‘Watson. You imbecile!” Some thief had stolen out tent!’

I said to my wife, "Wouldn't it be great to move to Alaska or someplace and live in a log cabin without electricity, hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car? If we decided to do that permanently, away from civilization, what would you and the kids miss the most?"

She replied, "You."

My young daughter was very excited about accompanying me to "Bring Your Children To Work Day."

However, on the way home she seemed somewhat down. "Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"It was okay, but I thought it would be more like a circus."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see any of them."

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you; do not question, or faint. Just say, "You're welcome." (I want to add in a clause here - this is true, unless she says, "Thanks a lot." - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say, "You're welcome." That will bring on a "whatever".)

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

THE DRUNK

Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as it was possible to get?

A group of guys noticed his condition and decided to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lived, but he kept falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they got to his house, he fell down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife came to the door, and one guy said, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asked, "Where's his wheelchair?"

A man walks into a bar and orders martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar.

When all the drinks had been consumed, and the jar filled with olives, the the gentleman started to leave.

"Excuse me," says the bartender, "Would you mind tellin' me what that's all about?"

"Not at all. Y'see, my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."

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A woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.

One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. A gentleman who was listening, was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''

The woman readily agreed, and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him.

The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot dog!! This is what I've been praying for!!''

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

Shirley & Marcy

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest?' Who the heck is she and why is she following us?

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

FORTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b*stards should remember that fairies are female....

A LATE LECTURE

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”