Last
week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.

-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good speech is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates