A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You, we are but dust."

He would have continued, but at that moment, my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust"?

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special. $99!"

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent says, "Yes, ma'am."

He grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special.

She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.

They float side by side for awhile before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise"?

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150"?

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Last Laugh

Sweet Potatoes

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day, she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites.

"I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"

GOING TO CHURCH

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic.

Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia baked ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
~~~~~~~

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.
~~~~~~~

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic, and this is a rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Methodist, and this is a casserole."
~~~~~~~

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing beat, says, "Well, that's great. That's really great. Someone's got my pen."

Top 10 Caddy Replies

10.) Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long"?

9.) Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the Earth.

8.) Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving"?
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7.) Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron"?
Caddy: "Eventually."

6.) Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

5.) Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."

4.) Golfer: "How do you like my game"?
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3.) Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday"?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2.) Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

1.) Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Who's Driving This Thing?

Two bowling teams chartered a double-decker bus—they were going to Atlantic City for the weekend.

One team was in the bottom of the bus, and the other team was in the top of the bus. The team down below was really whooping it up when one of them realizes he didn't hear anything from the top.

Walking up the stairs, he saw all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.

He asked, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."

One of the guys from the second team replied, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."

Who's Driving This Thing?

Two bowling teams chartered a double-decker bus—they were going to Atlantic City for the weekend.

One team was in the bottom of the bus, and the other team was in the top of the bus. The team down below was really whooping it up when one of them realizes he didn't hear anything from the top.

Walking up the stairs, he saw all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.

He asked, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."

One of the guys from the second team replied, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."

A Kindergartener's Response

While leading a tour of Kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an X-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone"? he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt"?

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break"?

"My sister's arm."

Last Laugh

Things You'll Never Hear a Mother Say

- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back"?

- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

- "Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery."

- "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him everyday."

- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

- "I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve."

- "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

No one is more cautious than a first time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.

The day of the first ride, I put her in the seat, double checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin.

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
~Unknown

- People in hell...where do they tell someone to go?
~Red Skelton

- I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.
~Steven Wright

- Let me ask you something--if someone's lying, are their pants really on fire?
~Jerry Seinfeld

When my daughter was about 10-years-old, I became pregnant. Of course, she wanted to know how it happened, so I gave her what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process.

She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"

I said yes and she responded, "And you did it again?"

When I was a child, I remember my mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I couldn't please any of them.

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

For my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home.
The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town, go down two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right and the number is on the mailbox."
As I entered the information into my computer, I asked, "What color is your house?"
The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check."

Quick!
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth out of a vacation.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every minute or not, but once, while I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day and you sit there reading a book?!"

PERFORMANCE REVIEW TERMS

Outgoing Personality: Always going out of the office

Great Presentation Skills: Bull thrower

Good Communication Skills: Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee: Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified: Made no major blunders yet

Work is First Priority: Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially: Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially: Spouse drinks too

Independent Worker: Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking: Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker: Won't make a decision

Aggressive: Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs: Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Himself Well: Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail: A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities: Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment: Lucky

Keen Sense of Humour: Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded: Back stabber

Loyal: Can't get a job anywhere else

WHY SOME MEN HAVE A DOG AND NO WIFE

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.