One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "'Holy Moley! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

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Real Teachers

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at CostCo.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds flat. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children as they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came around to one little girl,who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The little girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

A man walked into a restaurant he'd never been to before. The waiter came and asked him for his order.

Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf, sighed, bent down and whispered, "Don't eat the meat loaf."

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I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."

He said, "Don't answer it!"

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Bumper sticker seen on an Austin Mini:
The parts falling from this car are of the finest British workmanship.

In front of a church:
Remember, Detroit is not the only place that the Maker can recall his product.

Bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber:
If you can read this, then we wasted 50 billion bucks.

Classified Ad:
Nordic Track $300
Hardly Used
Call Chubbie

On the side of a truck:
Bill's Septic Cleaning
We Haul American Made Products

On a bumper sticker:
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

In a newspaper ad for a used car dealer:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

A chap visited his tailors and asked for a waistcoat to be made. He specified that it needed to fit from his shoulders to his ankles and that he needed fifty small pockets to be made each side of the garment. Although surprised at the request the tailor agreed to make the waistcoat.



Our hero then made his way to the local pet shop and asked if they had any budgerigars for sale. ‘How many would you like?’ asked the shop keeper. ‘Two hundred’ he replied. The shop keeper was rather surprised at this request but told him to come back in three days time when he would have the requisite number of birds ready for collection.



Several days later our hero called at the tailors and collected the waistcoat, then went to the pet shop and collected all the budgies in cardboard boxes then returned home.



He donned the waistcoat and carefully placed two budgies in each of the pockets. Suitably attired he left his house and approached some nearby flats where he took a lift to the top floor and made his way to the roof.



He climbed on to the parapet then jumped landing with an almighty smack on the pavement below.



A policeman, who was nearby, rushed over and asked our hero if he was alright.



He looked up into the kindly face of the Policeman and said, ‘This budgie jumping is not all that it is cracked up to be!’

NEVER TICK OFF A NURSE...

A big-shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed, "Not with a carnation."

NEW LIBRARIAN

The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.

The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully,

"At least that other librarian we had could write."

NEW WINE IN OLD BOTTLES

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get by With a Little Help from Depends

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores-- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye - Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando-- Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I Want To

Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again

More Points to Ponder


Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

You can lead a horse to water, but don't push him in because you know how a wet horse smells.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.

The man who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of someone he can blame it on.

If you can keep your head when all about you others are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.

The way to a man's stomach is through his mouth.

May you live forever, and may the last voice you hear be mine.

Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble, as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

An "acceptable level of unemployment" means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

It's terrible how close some motorists will drive ahead of you.

A BOX OF CHOCOLATES


For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.


Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.


"What in bag?" asked the old woman.


Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband."


The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

******



MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTERS


1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."


Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
~~~~~~~


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"


"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.



"No," shouts Paddy. "This is her husband!"
~~~~~~~


Paddy is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.


A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.


Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.


Cop says, "For gods sake, Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

~~~~~~~


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.



His wife says, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"



He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.



"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.


"Here boy!" he replies.

~~~~~~~


An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat!”


******

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he has finished all three, he goes back to the bar and orders three more.


The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."


Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders. One is in America, and de odder in Australia, and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."


The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.


Patrick becomes a regular customer, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.


One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.


All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.


When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."


Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh.


"Oh no," he says, "Gee, everyone is fine! 'Tis me ... I've quit drinking."
~~~~~~~