The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" the friend asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry:"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

Years ago, before everything was electronic, I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I called the office janitor.

"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it"?

He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.

As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door.

"Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

You Were Warned

Finding one of her pupils making faces at others on the playground, Miss Barker, their teacher, stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, teacher said, 'Tony, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Tony looked up, smiled and replied, 'Well, Miss Barker, you can't say you weren't warned.”

A contractor was speaking with a woman about her house painting job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down then went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told him that she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady finally asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew laying sod across the street.

Herman is driving on the highway.

His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, I’m right here. But there isn't just one, there are hundreds!'

An old adage updated by fourth graders:

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam).

There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.

The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything okay?"

"Sure," I said, "why?"

"Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an 'A' for everything?"

Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to be an 'A' student."

Eli, a poor country farmer won $480,000 in the Lottery. As a treat he took his wife and their four children to see the Labor Day parade in New York.

They booked into the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North. Having never been further than their local town in Arkansas they were bowled over by glitz and excitement of the "Big Apple".

Eli and his son Clem were especially mesmerised by a shiny box with silver walls. They had never before met with doors that could move apart, and then automatically come back together again. Neither had seen an elevator before. Therefore, they were amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the door closed. The lights outside on the wall flashed for a minute, then the doors opened and out came a beautiful young woman.

Eli turned to his son Clem and said, 'Son, go get your mother.'

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.

"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.

Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit"? he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said.

"The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am"? the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am"? he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

Three drunks hailed a taxi.

The taxi driver, seeing that they were wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, then said "We are here!"

The first guy gave him money.

The second guy said, "Thanks."

But the third guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch.

"So what was that for?" He asked.

"Control your speed next time," the third guy shouted. "You almost killed us!"

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school'
'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'

'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'
'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'

'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!'

Several years ago, in the early days of the CT Scanner, I was an engineer tasked with maintaining a system in a high-volume trauma center.

The scanner had been down for a few hours, when one of the radiologists came in proceeded to tell me that it had to be fixed in one hour. I explained to him that it would only take ten minutes to fix it, once I found out what was wrong. He didn't like that response and stormed out.

About thirty minutes later, he returned again demanded the system be up and running right now. I told him that it would be running as soon as I fixed it. He asked how long does that take and I told him ten minutes, that is ten minutes after I figure out what is wrong. He stormed out again, even more red in the face.

He came back about 30 minutes later, and ask, "Why can\'t you just throw a fix on it and start it up?"

I explained to him that "just throwing a fix on it might damage it worse."

He said so what you can fix it again. I, by then really tired of him wasting my time, told him, "Look sir, when you do a procedure and you screw up, you can just bury the patient and go home, I have to stay till I get it fixed."

He looked stunned, left and came with a much-needed coffee and left me alone for the rest of the repair time.