A very excited woman calls the fire department. "Help me! My house is on fire!"

"Where do you live?"

"I am too excited. I can't tell you the exact address!"

"How do you expect us to get there?"

"Well, duh. In your big red truck!"

I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice.

"I know the sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?"

"Put an ad in the personals column," he suggested.

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with the man at the insurance agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

I was in New York's Grand Central Terminal on my way to visit friends in Connecticut. I had never taken the trip before and was wondering if I needed to switch trains in Stamford.

Walking to the train, I saw the conductor and asked, "Do I need to change?"
"No," he replied immediately. "You're fine the way you are. Your bag matches your shoes and your earrings are the same color as your outfit. Very coordinated!"

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "Help Wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "we were havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin, Ray, picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, do ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game!'"

I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice.

"I know the sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs"?

"Put an ad in the personals column," he suggested.

One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.

"Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections"? another friend suggested.

"I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with the man at the insurance agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating properly.

"Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom told her.

"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would be eating anything like that!"

"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.

Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.

A blonde who had recently learned to drive was heading through town and suddenly stopped dead and wouldn’t move.

After several minutes, a nearby police officer having observed this strange activity turned his lights on and pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and calmly walked up to tap her window and waited for her to roll it down.

The woman seemed very distressed and the officer asked what was wrong.

She told him she didn’t know what to do. She was going to be late, but she had studied very hard for her driver’s test the previous week and knew she had to obey all road signs, so she couldn’t go.

The officer stood up and looked over her car. Seeing no stop or construction signs, he felt slightly confused and told her he saw no sign stopping her from continuing. She became more upset and pointed out the right side of her car, telling the cop it was right there.

He looked again and almost laughed as he finally read, "Do Not Pass."

As a department head stationed on a Navy vessel, I was concerned about one of my senior enlisted men. He was a superb technician, but he had a problem taking orders. One day, I took him aside and suggested he try something that had worked for me.

"Whenever an officer gives you a directive that you think is stupid," I told him, "just say, 'Yes, sir.' But in your mind, think, 'You're an idiot!' Will this work for you"?

He smiled at me and replied, "Yes, sir!"

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.

"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly. "You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it."

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most"? he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially when the St. Louis Cardinals are on TV.

One day, we were watching a game, when my mother-in-law shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in here!"

Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back, "Give it some cough syrup."

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!

His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face. “What’s the matter with you?” shouted the DI. “Why can’t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?”

“I was a telephone repair man,” replied the recruit, “and I don’t know why I can’t hit the target. Let me see…”

The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!

“Well,” the phone man said, writhing in pain, “the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!”.

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor.

"We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."

"Amazing," said the counselor. "How did you do it?"

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like, "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking it all in.

At last, she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So, one evening, I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.

"With this ring," I began romantically.

"We could pay off the Visa," he responded.

Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry, because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.

She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So, up the blonde went.

She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly.

She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.

At 3,000 feet, the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The instructor jumped into his Jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened"? the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then"?

"Well," began the blonde. "I got cold, so I turned off the ceiling fan."

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library and the librarian quips after checking the books.

"Sir, your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one!"

The city slicker's car sputtered to a halt near a pasture filled with cattle. The driver got out to see what was the matter and noticed one cow staring at him.

"Sounds like it's your radiator," said the cow.

The startled city slicker ran to the nearby farmhouse and pounded on the front door.

"Your cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted.

The farmer pointed out to the field. "That cow with the two big black spots?" he asked.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the man replied.

"Oh, well, that's Ethel," said the farmer. "Don't pay no attention to her. She don't know nuttin' about cars!"

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working

 

In the yard and asked him,  "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

 

              The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a

Question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the

Question,

              Then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

 

              Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell

 

Her all

              About human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities

              Of intercourse.

 

              When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at

 

Him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

 

              Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,

"Why did you ask this question, honey?"

 

              The little girl replied,  "Grandma says that dinner will be

 

Ready in just a couple secs.

Scott and Glenn went on a fishing trip. They rented all the equipment: reels, rods, wading suits, rowboat, car, even a cabin in the woods. They spent a fortune.

The first day they went fishing and didn't catch anything. The same thing happened on the second day and the third. It went on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Scott caught a fish. Driving home they were really depressed.

Scott turned to Glenn and said, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

Glenn replied, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Three Rings

What are the three rings in marriage?

Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring
Suffering

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil"?

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye"?

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry, because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly"?

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."

The holiday bowl games were in full swing and we had invited some other football fans over.

One couple brought their active two-year-old son, who began playing with a dish that was filled with antique buttons. After a few near disasters, my husband quietly removed the temptation.

The next morning, I realized the bowl was gone and went upstairs. "Don, where is the button bowl"? I asked my just-awakening husband.

"Gee, I don't know for sure," replied my spouse, who prides himself on knowing the answer to any sports trivia question.

"I think it's in Florida."

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts they recently heard about in the newspaper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to retire six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear your mother will be out of work."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish."

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Bob was playing soccer with his local team.

He got a breakaway and headed towards the goal. He missed an easy shot to tie the game, which meant the other team won.

“I could kick myself.” he groaned, as the players came off the field.

“Don’t bother,” said the captain, “you’d miss.”

Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters four feet tall: YELD.

Close, but not close enough. The next week, I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now, it read: YEILD.

About two months later, they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. For years, I've been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where I work."

"How much did you take?"

"Enough to build my own house and my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious. I'll have to think of a far-reaching penance for you. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't. But if you have the blueprints, I can get the lumber."

Another Night on the Town

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally, she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.

"Speak!" she said to the dog.

The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"

"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special. $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am."
He grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special.
She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.
They float side by side for awhile before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise"?
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

The Secret to Marriage
"So, what's the secret to your 52 years of marriage?"
"We never go to sleep angry."
"That's a great philosophy."
"Yes, the longest we've gone without sleep is five days. So far."

The Secret to Marriage
"So, what's the secret to your 52 years of marriage?"
"We never go to sleep angry."
"That's a great philosophy."
"Yes, the longest we've gone without sleep is five days. So far."

Marketing Guy: Why haven't you kept me up to date on this account?
Ops Guy: I've copied you on every e-mail I sent to them!
Marketing Guy: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.

Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She'd used an emergency phone to call for help.
Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were"?
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me and they located my position from the card catalogue."

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area.
The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross."

50th Wedding Anniversary
While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the 'good old days.'
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

White House Tour
A woman went on a tour of the White House.
As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.
"My, what was that"? exclaimed the woman.
"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

Slight Misunderstanding
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "we were havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin, Ray, picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, do ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game!'"

Don't Worry About It
A doctor said to his patient, "You have a slight heart condition, but I wouldn't worry about it."
"Really, doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a slight heart condition, I wouldn't worry about it either."

Annie, six years old, gets home from school. She had had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" she answers.

"Karen from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Paula in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother laughs and asks, "But why were you so ashamed?"

"I couldn't tell them we're so poor that daddy had to make me himself!"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to his doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
~~~~~~~

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim said, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
~~~~~~~

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
~~~~~~~

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
~~~~~~~

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure…."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down," she says.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"
~~~~~~~

A senior citizen said to his 80-year-old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse.

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"
~~~~~~~

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

******

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You, we are but dust."

He would have continued, but at that moment, my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust"?

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special. $99!"

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent says, "Yes, ma'am."

He grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special.

She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.

They float side by side for awhile before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise"?

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150"?

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Last Laugh

Sweet Potatoes

Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day, she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites.

"I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"

GOING TO CHURCH

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic.

Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia baked ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
~~~~~~~

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.
~~~~~~~

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic, and this is a rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Methodist, and this is a casserole."
~~~~~~~

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing beat, says, "Well, that's great. That's really great. Someone's got my pen."

Top 10 Caddy Replies

10.) Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long"?

9.) Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the Earth.

8.) Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving"?
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7.) Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron"?
Caddy: "Eventually."

6.) Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

5.) Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."

4.) Golfer: "How do you like my game"?
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3.) Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday"?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2.) Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

1.) Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Who's Driving This Thing?

Two bowling teams chartered a double-decker bus—they were going to Atlantic City for the weekend.

One team was in the bottom of the bus, and the other team was in the top of the bus. The team down below was really whooping it up when one of them realizes he didn't hear anything from the top.

Walking up the stairs, he saw all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.

He asked, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."

One of the guys from the second team replied, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."

Who's Driving This Thing?

Two bowling teams chartered a double-decker bus—they were going to Atlantic City for the weekend.

One team was in the bottom of the bus, and the other team was in the top of the bus. The team down below was really whooping it up when one of them realizes he didn't hear anything from the top.

Walking up the stairs, he saw all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.

He asked, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."

One of the guys from the second team replied, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."

A Kindergartener's Response

While leading a tour of Kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an X-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone"? he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt"?

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break"?

"My sister's arm."

Last Laugh

Things You'll Never Hear a Mother Say

- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back"?

- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

- "Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery."

- "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him everyday."

- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

- "I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve."

- "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

No one is more cautious than a first time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.

The day of the first ride, I put her in the seat, double checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin.

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
~Unknown

- People in hell...where do they tell someone to go?
~Red Skelton

- I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.
~Steven Wright

- Let me ask you something--if someone's lying, are their pants really on fire?
~Jerry Seinfeld

When my daughter was about 10-years-old, I became pregnant. Of course, she wanted to know how it happened, so I gave her what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process.

She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"

I said yes and she responded, "And you did it again?"

When I was a child, I remember my mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I couldn't please any of them.

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

For my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home.
The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town, go down two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right and the number is on the mailbox."
As I entered the information into my computer, I asked, "What color is your house?"
The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check."

Quick!
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth out of a vacation.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every minute or not, but once, while I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day and you sit there reading a book?!"

PERFORMANCE REVIEW TERMS

Outgoing Personality: Always going out of the office

Great Presentation Skills: Bull thrower

Good Communication Skills: Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee: Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified: Made no major blunders yet

Work is First Priority: Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially: Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially: Spouse drinks too

Independent Worker: Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking: Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker: Won't make a decision

Aggressive: Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs: Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Himself Well: Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail: A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities: Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment: Lucky

Keen Sense of Humour: Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded: Back stabber

Loyal: Can't get a job anywhere else

WHY SOME MEN HAVE A DOG AND NO WIFE

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

A couple were vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp and to calm her concerns, they'd talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There's two types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous"?

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy. See, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a black bear. If it shakes the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a girl at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 o'clock news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The girl looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump"?

Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The girl replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the girl placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The girl was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The girl replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend, Morris, came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife, Sadie, visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness, "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case"?

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case"? the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said. "I thought he was talking to you."

Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do: start out about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on, until you get a response."

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So, the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next, he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?"

He gets no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again, there was no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Harry! For the fifth time, I said chicken!"

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too."
~~~~~~~

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."
~~~~~~~

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now." Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
~~~~~~~

Working as a paediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. "No, no, no!" she screamed. "Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behaviour." With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you!"
~~~~~~~

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."
~~~~~~~

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counsellor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?" Blank stares. "Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton." An eight-year-old girl perked up. "How long was he missing?"
~~~~~~~

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Andrew and Morgan are playing on the swings together.
"I'm really worried," Andrew says, "My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
"What have you got to worry about?" Morgan replies, "Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
"Yeah, I guess," responds Andrew, "But what if they try to escape?"

Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"
"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.
The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."
He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.
The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"

A tiny, but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that supposed to be?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," she said, "why isn't it?"

Baby Brother
Little Johnny's mother asked him what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," he replied.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother"?
"Well," replied little Johnny, "There's only so much I can blame on the dog."

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

A woman went on a tour of the White House.
As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.
"My, what was that"? exclaimed the woman.
"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie, the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah"? said Charlie. "And how did this one end"?
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really"? said Charles. "Now, that's a switch! What did she say"?
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean!
The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house!"

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.
Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper replied with a smile,"I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Kathryn found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.
"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested.
My friend was about to hang up when her mom added, "And Kathryn"?
"Yes, mom"?
"Call them first and let them know you're coming."

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move!"

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move!"

My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a reference on her resume, which she planned to submit to a local fast food restaurant. I agreed.
A few days later, she called and asked me to meet her at the restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview and she told me to bring my references."

Ten Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. Ok, fine, the dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only!
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the middle of the road.
The workers explained the detour route to town and she went on her way.
They were surprised however, to see the same woman coming toward them from town a couple of hours later.
"Oh," she said distractedly as she pulled up next to the trench crew.
"Is it closed in this direction too"?

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, Anthony, who is coming to visit with his wife, Maria.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"What? You coming empty handed"?

After spending a wonderful week together, my fiance dropped me off at the airport and returned to his base. I didn't realize how much I'd miss him until I reached the plane and burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked the unlucky woman seated next to me. Between sobs, I told her the sad story of my long distance relationship.
"If you truly love him, it will work," she said. "I know, because my ex-husband was in the Army."

A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. The sign reads:
"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"
A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.
The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'"?

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey, Dad, announced Billy. "Have you met the new neighbors"?
"No."
"Come on, Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time. I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they"? I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained. "We haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a hunting bow when he turned 12.
On his birthday, he unwrapped his gift box, revealing the long, sought for bow. Yet Gordon was still disappointed. "But dad, where are the arrows?"
His cautious father replied, "I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left!"

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150"?
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

When it comes to tunes, my local music shop prefers the sound of silence. A sign prominently displayed on a grand piano reads, "The management is not responsible for the actions of its employees if your child plays 'Heart and Soul' or 'Chopsticks' on this instrument."

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws water for a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters: "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back: "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses."Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says" "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells: "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

A little 8-year-old girl went out to the yard where her dad was working and she asked him: "Dad, what is sex?" So he began to tell her about the birds and the bees and when he got done she was confused, so he said: "What's wrong what made you asked that question?" And she said: "Well, mommy told me to tell you that 'dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.' "

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Little Timmy sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale.
"No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Timmy.
"Why not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate him first!"