Over the last couple of months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car or truck as you are packing your shopping into it. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, "No," and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Costco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 5th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So be careful

"She got her good looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon." Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." - Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

"It looked so good out this morning, I thought I'd leave it out." Paul Benjamin King

"I haven't slept for ten days. Because that would be too long." Mitch Hedberg

"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later." -

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at WalMart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job,but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

''They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'''

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room,
Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed
, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry.
The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.
When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.
"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.
"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"
"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."
"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

My job is in the Aerospace industry and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."

The men nodded and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain link?"

Camping Tips
Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Effective November, 2011, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent-mate.

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture. That's no small feat for a non plumber.
Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom.
I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.
"Did you get the green one, too"? he asked.

Computer Viruses

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his minister father if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father's study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair..."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

When Andrea was planning her upcoming wedding, she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress. She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. As her mother's eyes welled up with tears, Andrea put an arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter", she reminded her mother in time-honored fashion, "you're gaining a son."
"Oh forget about that!" said her mother with a sob, "I used to fit into that dress!"

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing, he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "But I can cure pneumonia."

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages"? inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Tommy was sitting at the kitchen table eating his after school snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I had any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her that you were the only child in our family?"
"She just said, 'Thank Goodness!'"

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next.

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

Dennis was down at the local police station wanting to talk to the burglar who'd broken in his house the night before.
The desk sergeant was adamant. "No. You'll get your chance in court, sir."
"No, no, you don't understand," Dennis said. "I want to know how the hell he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses / facebook / Myspace / twitter.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

Two bunnies were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

Carrying a Child
"Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we learned about today," said the teacher.
One small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Poker Game
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife"?
They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one.
They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet"? he asked. "I'll be the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."
So, Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" she yells.
"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

Bubba Goes to the Doctor
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "shingles." So, she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." So, the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later, the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." The doctor asked, "Where"?
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them"?

A Rich Man's Will
A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family.
"To my loving wife, Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1million."
The lawyer concluded, "And to my cousin, Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you are wrong. Hi, Dan!"

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.'
~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~

A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings. When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.
At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed, "Come down, Holy Spirit!"
Still no sign of the dove.
The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters, "Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat"?

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.


Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....


DARN! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it"?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at WalMart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job,but your being late so often is quite bothersom

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
''They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'''

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.


By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.


The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.


To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

* Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
* A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
* It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

The Shopping Cart
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So, when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance.
A full year went by before he got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA"? the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you"?
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and I want you to come and get it."

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day, a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go out the door," I told them, "past the pool, 200 yards down the block and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

When Ron went to Lynn's house for the first time she took him into the living room. Excusing herself, she went to the kitchen to make them a few drinks.
As he was standing there alone, Ron noticed a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picked it up, and as he was looking at it, Lynn walked back in.
"What's this?" Ron asked.
She replied, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He put the vase back up, "Geez...oooh....I..."
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray when he visits."

Uncle Joe had to get a job. The farm hadn't worked out so well, so this time he tried a local ranch. The rancher took pity on him and decided to give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing my uncle a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Uncle Joe, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat, "And what do you use for bait?"

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

The Biggest Lie
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher said, "Why are you arguing"?
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.
At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that"? asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."

A golfer was poised over his tee shot for ages. ‘For goodness sake, hurry up’ said his partner.
‘But my wife is watching from the club house. I want to make the perfect shot.’
‘Forget it- you’ll never hit her from here.’

Two golfers went to se the professional at their club.
‘Can you give me any tips?’ asked one of the men as he stood on the practice ground.
The professional said, ‘You’re standing too close to the ball.’
The man’s partner added: ‘After you’ve hit it.’

Finding his ball in deep rough, a golfer took an almighty swing but stuck nothing more than a divot. He swung again, missed the ball again and got another big chunk of turf. Just then two ants climbed on the ball saying ‘Let’s get up here before we get killed!’

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

Remember All Those Cute Little 4-Port USB Hubs?
Nice Concept and all...But Only 4 Extra Ports?
Whoop-Dee-Doo!
Guess What? There's a New BEAST in Town...And it's HUNGRY!
The ONLY Thing to Supress it's Appetite is 10 USB Devices!
YOU READ THAT RIGHT: IT'S A 10 PORT USB HUB!

It's the COOLEST Hub You NEVER Knew Existed!
Try It Once - You'll Never Go Back!

Everybody Has a USB Hub...
The days of crawling around on the floor searching for an open USB port are over. They ended about 5 years ago when people finally started to realize that they have WAY more USB devices than they have open ports...
So the craze over the last few years has been those cutesy little 4-port hubs. Most everyone has one by now, and sure, they work fine.
But here's the thing: Since the invention of a 4-port USB hub, there have been a TON more USB powered devices to hit the market. We're talkin' nearly every new piece of technology to hit your local stores...and it's great! We all love technology, and we all have tons of USB devices.
The Problem: with all of these new devices, those 4-port USB hubs are starting to look a little weak. You're still having to wait for one to charge or be run or whatever you're doing with it, get done and unplug it, and then plug in the next one. Aren't you sick of it yet?
This 10-Port MONSTER is Gonna Rock Your World!
And by the way...KING KONG called - And he want his 10-port USB Hub back!
Not only is this GOLIATH capable of FULLY SUPPORTING 10 USB devices at once...it's got all kinds of MONUMENTALLY AWESOME features! Check it out!
10 Type A USB 2.0 Ports!
Fully Compliant with USB 2.0!
Supports 1.5 12 AND 480 Mbps Data Transfer!
Power Adapter AND USB Cable Included!
TOTALLY Plug & Play!
Will Support Self-Power Mode, Bus Powered Mode AND Auto Detect!

It Only LOOKS Like a Mammoth...
All this talk about how huge it is might be a bit misleading...let me explain.
Sure, it's long, tall and (not-so) ugly...but it was designed with COMPLETE FUNCTIONALITY in mind! It's got a 'Slim-Line' design that makes it totally at home on your desk - or anywhere else you decide to keep it!
So if you're hooking this up to your desktop, have no fear! It'll sit discreetly off to the side, keeping your plug and play devices hooked up and ready to rock!
OH, YOU'VE GOT A LAPTOP?

No Problem! Again, you can stick the USB cable into an open port, and this TITANIC USB Behemoth Hub lays down on it's side and stay outta your way - like a SLEEPING GIANT!

Ever hook your laptop up to a regular keyboard and mouse? What about a flash drive? An external HD? An MP3 player? An iPod or a multitude of other USB Compatible Devices? Want to make it easier?

Just get this hub and plug your accessories into it - Your mouse, keyboard, and whatever else. Now, next time you need to use your laptop, instead of playing musical USB ports with your accessories, just plug this 10-Port USB hub into your laptop! A single plug and you have up to 10 accessories running!


Had Enough of the Adjectives?

Let's just drop in a few more, for good measure: Cyclopean, Immense, Planetary, Towering, LEVIATHAN! Ok - I think you get the picture...so ON TO THE DEAL!

Your Price for this GARGANTUAN 10-Port USB HUB is Surprisingly Small!
Check around all you want - you're gonna find that a 10-port USB hub doesn't come cheap. They're also the HOTTEST and NEWEST computer accessory to hit the market - so naturally, the demand is high.
But guess what? Your friends at Worldstart have you covered! Did you expect anything less? For today only, grab this Beast of a USB-Hub for just $16.97, FREE US SHIPPING INCLUDED!
http://store.worldstart.com/product/7389
PS: You know the deal by now - If there's any stock left tomorrow, the price goes back to 24.97, so HURRY UP AND ORDER!





Arsenic?

Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.

"Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.

"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.

"It's for my husband," she replied.

"Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"

She just nodded.

"Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"

She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

Golfing in Heavan
Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It’s all tied. All three have the same score.
Jesus’ second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.
Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.
The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I really hate playing with your Dad.”

Pauly walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"
Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they'll pay me on top of it?"

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.
Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.
"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.
The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

A blind man walks into a store with his Seeing Eye dog.

All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia, we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy.
While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo." The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy and the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.
The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.
By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.
She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school together many years ago.One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Have you had a nice life?”

“I have lived a well-planned life,” her old friend responded. “My first marriage was to a millionaire. My second marriage was to an actor. My third husband was a preacher, and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”

“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours.... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost br*ast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft-top was open

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days… instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911.... "duh".....there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid phone!!!

THE IMPORTANCE OF PROOFREADING

- IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

- It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

- There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

- There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

- In the city beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

- Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

- Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

- In one edition of today's food section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

- The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Two easter bunnies were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house, again went to the mail box and, again, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! (Are you ready? This is a beauty...) My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!' "

> An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
>
> The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
>
> The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
>
> "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
>
> "Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
>
> The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
>
> "No problem," replies the doctor.
>
> So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
>
> Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.
>
> Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !
>
> He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
>
> "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
>
> He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.
>
> Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
>
> Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
>
> Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.
>
> Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
>
> Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
>
> The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
>
> He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"
>
> The old man whispers,
> "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirro

Billy Bob walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, hm?”

Billy Bob says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!” The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Billy Bob comes back into the bar and says Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!”

Billy Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me too?

A woman who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.
Doctor: What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.



"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

'Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe...Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied,
'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal...


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a
sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him ..

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have
an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for
$500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Monday at Noon.
The coffin will be closed

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:



MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyOttawa.



When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

9. Flashlight: A metal tube that is used to store dead batteries.

10. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

12. When you go into Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand
along Highway 17 near Kenora Ontario early one cold December morning.
Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs,
the buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge.
The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.
Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a life time, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession
passing slowly down Highway 17.
The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head
and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do.
You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession.
You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years"

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices
with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As
he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a
large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the
very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!

Timmy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after bidding way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Patient: ‘Doctor, I have started going deaf.’
Doctor: ‘No wonder, you have a suppository in your ear.’
Patient: ‘Thank God! Now I remember where I put my hearing aid.’

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down.
Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears.
“My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”
“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.
“Then what’s the matter?
“I’m trying to give up drinking.”

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and he still hadn't been paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,, Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot...

As a single, never married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet?"
Now, people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter — yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.”

The agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”

An old man woke up in the recovery room after an operation and said, ‘Thank God that’s over!’

‘You’re lucky,’ said the chap in the adjacent bed. ‘They left a scalpel inside me and needed to operate again in order to retrieve it.’

‘How terrible,’ said the old man.

The patient in the bed on the other side of the old chap stated, ‘They had to open me up again to find a sponge they had lost.’

Just then the door to the ward opened and the surgeon walked in. ‘Has anybody seen my hat?’

The old man fainted.

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to take a shower. Just a second and I'll see."
Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An indignant yell came from above.
Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury.
"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth said.
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is: rear defrosters."

Darryl tripped on the stairs and broke his leg.
The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.
Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.
"Oh good," he responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"
"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful."
"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six-years-old.
While looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop"?
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right"?
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe"?

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please, doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee!"
"Don't worry," says the doctor. "I'll put some cream on it."
"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor. "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden behind my house."
"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated. "I mean on the part of your body the bee stung you."
"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!"
"Which one?" the doctor asked.
"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful
man is usually another woman.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you
will look forward to the trip.

Two husbands, Jon and Keith, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Keith said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Jon, "How do you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Keith,"My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"

Rotarian John Coenders, passed away on Sept. 9, 2002.

Jocoe's Journal is prepared in his memory.

Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over.
When he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move.
He then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats.
When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.
"Oh, you think that's funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a rage.
He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down.
"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked him.
Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

Two guys are approaching each other on the sidewalk and both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one looks at the other knowingly, points to his right foot and says, "Land mine, Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back, lookout."

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall, attractive blonde woman. During the course of the conversation he says would you like to hear a 'blonde' joke ?
"Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6 feet tall without heels and I've been training in judo for the past 5 years."
Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My flatmate's blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall, has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and has been Southern Counties Ladies' Champion for the past 3 years.
Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde, she weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional womens' wrestler, do you still want to tell the joke about a blonde ?"
"Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain it 3 times".

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: You don't want to try these techniques at home.
"Why not"? asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day, I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once'"?
"Did it save time"? the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now, I do it in seven."

The Obedient Wife'

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Message flagged Wednesday, April 21, 2010 7:06:12 PMMessage body
Would You Remarry?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looked over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

Ralphie was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

Am I using my computer too much?
I warned my son, "You've got a heap of trouble in your shopping cart and you're one click away from check-out!"
I told my daughter, "Ctrl+X your attitude young lady!"
I challenged a co-worker, "If you don't believe me, just Google it!"
My uncle was having a mid-life crisis and I reminded him, "Be careful—when you reformat, important files can get lost."
"Even though Grandma's gone," I consoled my father, "she'll remain in our registry."
When my wife reminded me to do something for the tenth time I replied, "Net congestion made it take longer to download".

Why the English wore red coats in battle
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day on, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

***
The judge glared at the accused. ‘So you admit breaking into the dress shop?’
‘Yes, your honour.’
‘And why was that?’
‘Because my wife wanted a dress.’
The judge consulted his notes. ‘But it says here that you broke into the same shop three nights in a row.’
‘Yes, sir. She made me exchange it three times.’

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practised magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as though there were no tomorrow.

Her neighbour, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.

"And you know men won't ask for directions."

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.
At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that"? asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."

The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago.
The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In, Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970s, when the oil shortage occurred.
They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the
1930s at 20¢ a barrel. They, of course, sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.
One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."
To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son. This is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the restaurant had Early Bird Specials, was wheel chair accessible, and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.

The Logic of Grandchildren



1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....



2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"


4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

The young couple had just brought their new baby home. The wife suggested, "Perhaps you should try your hand at changing diapers."

"I'm busy. I'll do the next one."

The next time came around. Once again, the wife suggested that the husband change the baby's diaper.

"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

We are fortunate our grandchildren live close by and visit us often.
When our seven-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, comes over, she loves to watch her grandmother when she is baking.
"Oma," she asked one day, "where did you learn how to cook?"
She told her that she learned from her mother and passed on the knowledge to her daughter. Someday, she continued, her mother will pass the knowledge on to her.
There was a short silence. "No, I don't think so," Morgan said. "Mom puts everything in the microwave."

Bad News at the Doctor's...
A man wasn't feeling well so he went to his doctor for a complete checkup. After a long wait for the results, the doctor finally came back out.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh no! I can't believe it!" says the man. "How long do I have?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "What do you mean by that? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author assured the family he could handle the story as tactfully as possible and was given the go-ahead to write the book.
The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a great shock.”.

A few years ago, we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening, a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know about. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret, but she could not tell him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have monsters in our sewer."

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello!

Three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears:
"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to get these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth"
"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."

Signs that your new car is a lemon
As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.
You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has Moe's Towing Company on speed dial.
The jumper cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.
The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.
The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.
You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.
As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.
When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you go by, it silently falls in behind you.
The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "Me Again."

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

THINGS CATS MUST REMEMBER

(Okay ... things we would like cats to remember)

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

If I play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files."

My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.

Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.

Arthur just received his brand new drivers license. The family went out to the driveway, then climbed into the car, where Arthur was going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," dad replied, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

A police car pulled up in front of grandma's house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh papa," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't lost mama... I was just too tired to walk home."

Two newlyweds walked up to the hotel clerk and asked for a suite.
‘Bridal?’ asked the clerk
The new bride blushed and said ‘No thanks, I’ll hold on to his shoulders until I get the hang of it.’

CAR
TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

Will I Live to see 80?


Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,...
Then, why do you even care?

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,



'Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?

THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
***********************

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
***********************

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde
says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."